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Avoidance

He Went to Lunch with His Ex and You're Eating Your Heart Out

in

Start of a question about Relationships

My boyfriend and I have been dating now 9 months.

Last week, he had off work one day so I had asked him if he would like to go to lunch with me that day. He told me that he had already made lunch plans with someone else. When I had asked him who, he said his ex!

Now, he said that he wasn't going to tell me because he didn't know how I would react to him going out with her. I would have been really mad if I had found out afterward that he had gone to lunch with her without telling me, but I told him that I was fine with it, that it was ok that he go.


Start of Dr Love's Answer

I think you need to ask him what having lunch with the ex means. I think you have two issues: The first is his tendency to avoid telling you something that he fears will upset you. The avoidance defense, as is the case with all defenses, eventually backfire big time.

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Sex Starved

in

Start of a question about Sex

I have been with my girlfriend for almost a year. We haven't had any sexual contact whatsoever. Every suggestion that I have made she said no to. We both love each other but the fact that we do not have a sexual relationship is causing me to resent her.

I have tried to understand why she does not want to have sex with me but I cannot. She is not a virgin and she is in her thirties as am I.

I hope you can offer some advice.

Thanks.

Start of Dr Love's Answer

You can't possibly understand why she refuses to have sex and that 's because you aren't a mind reader. The fact that she has had sex before but refuses to have sex anymore tells me that she's suffered some kind of trauma. Either she's been abused, raped, abandoned after giving herself, or perhaps she got pregnant and had an abortion. The possibilities are endless.

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He Clams Up When You Bring the Subject Up

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Start of a question about Sex

I want to know what advice you could give to a couple who have been married for 15 years and whose sex drives are totally incompatible. We both like the same things sexually but my husband only is interested in sex about once every 2 months yet he masturbates at least twice per week.

Start of Dr Love's Answer

This man masturbates a couple of times per week, so there is nothing wrong with his sex drive. The fact is his behavior is withholding and your feelings are right on the money when you say that you feel rejected.

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How to Keep the Relationship Going until December

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Start of a question about Relationships

Dear Dr. Love,

My girlfriend and I have been involved with each other for a short while ( 5 or 6 months). She is the most wonderful woman I have ever met and I don't want to lose such a gem over trivial matters involving distance and having opposite schedules. For the first time in my life, I let down my guard early and have fallen deeply for her.

Start of Dr Love's Answer

What a clearly written letter! You express your ideas so well that your first step is to tell her exactly what you told me in your letter. The focus of your talk should first be on checking out if you are reading her avoidance of the 'discussion' correctly.

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You Feel Like a Leper

in

Start of a question about Sex

How do I tell my fiance, with whom I have had sex, that I have herpes? We discussed stds a long time ago and I said I didn't have any that I know of.

I must tell him, but its killing me about the risk of losing him. I feel like a leper. How do I handle this?

Start of Dr Love's Answer

If I understand you correctly you told an untruth to your fiance. When you previously discussed STDS and said that you didn't have any that you knew of, it sounds like this wasn't true. Now you are caught in an awful lie.

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I Only Want Her

in

Start of a question about Relationships

dear dr. love, i think about someone i knew in the past. . we were friends for 6 years, never anything more. she has moved to a place about 2 hours away from where i live. . i can't stop thinking of her and it's making me miserable to the point that i feel so bad inside i don't know if i can take it.


Start of Dr Love's Answer

Everyone should be so lucky to be loved by someone like you. I understand that you are nervous about finding out that she's unavailable. The problem here is that you are trying to protect yourself from disappointment using a common defense mechanism--avoidance.

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You Masturbate as a Substitute for Sex with Your Hubby

in

Start of a question about Sex

I am much more interested in sex than my husband. It causes problems in our marriage because I feel he doesn't love me as much because he rejects my advances more often than not.

To compensate, I masterbate fairly frequently. We have been married 14 years and have a 4 year old and a 9 month old. I get less sleep by far than he does and yet he still uses the too tired excuse, among others, on a regular basis.

If it weren't for the kids and the fact that he is truly a good man, I'd probably already be cheating. What do I do?

Start of Dr Love's Answer

In order to decipher the cause of the problem, I'll need more information. I will ask the questions and you can answer them on your end. These answers will guide you to the cause of the problem.

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Am I Being Cruel

in

Start of a question about Relationships

My boyfriend is a paramedic with FDNY, the recent events have left him emotionally scarred and distant.

I have tried to be kind and sympathetic but he is completely unreceptive. After he went on vacation for two weeks (it was only supposed to be a few days) we had an arguement and have since stopped seeing each other. It is very hard to understand what he is feeling and he says he is not capable of being in a relationship right now.

Would it be wrong for me to pick up and move on? We had been dating for 6 1/2 years.

Start of Dr Love's Answer

It sounds like you are struggling with guilt feelings, hence your question to me, 'Am I being cruel' to end the relationship.

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He's Avoiding Intercourse

in

Start of a question about Sex

Ok here it goes. This is really important to me please please please respond.

My boyfriend and I haven't had sex in over three months because my bf had a outbreak of warts. He keeps getting them burnt off but they keep coming back. He doesn't want to even make out any more.

This morning when I woke up I put my arm around him and his crotch area was covered in cum (wet dream I'm geussing). Does this mean that he is dreaming about cheating on me with someone else?


Start of Dr Love's Answer

The first thing you have to do is stop personalizing his health problem. His warts have nothing to do with his attraction to you! My heavens, you are so help bent on doubting yourself that you refuse to accept the most obvious reason for his behavior. The guy isn't well! You are so caught up with your own fears about his not liking you that you aren't able to tune into his world.

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You Puke When You Kiss Your Girl

in

Start of a question about Sex

Here is my problem. Every time I start kissing my girlfriend and we begin to get a little intimate, I have to throw up or puke.

What can I do to solve this problem. Please help.

Start of Dr Love's Answer

This is an unfortunate problem and one that is being triggered by your unconscious mind. Your vomiting sounds like an unconscious defense mechanism.

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