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Betrayal

Can I Trust Her???

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Start of a question about Relationships

Dear Dr. Love,

I have been with my girlfriend for almost a year now. She has made many mistakes in the past. I thought her lifestyle of smoking and drinking was very bad and asked her to change for me. She willingly said she would.

I had also asked her to stay away from one guy in particular becuase he really liked her and hit on her all the time, she also said she would. Not alone, i have also agreed to change some aspects of my life for her and to stay away from just about every other girl except for her.

Start of Dr Love's Answer

You do have a problem. What I see is that this relationship was built on the promise that she would make changes for you. The requests for change that you made sounded to me as though you were testing her love for you. If she loved you enough, she'd quit smoking and drinking for you.

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Should i Be Worried about My Husband Contacting this Woman?

in

Start of a question about Relationships
I found out just this weekend that my husband has been in contact with a woman that he has slept with in the past. He has concealed this from me and I confronted him about it.

Start of Dr Love's Answer
What a painful situation you're in! I understand the bind you're both in. You were jealous in the past, which naturally led him to be a bit sneaky this time around, in order to not trigger further jealousy. He engaged in avoidant behavior and, guess what. Like all defense mechanism, his avoidance backfired.

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Confused

in

Start of a question about Relationships
I have been going out with my boyfriend for 2 years now. He joined the marines and he left in October and didn't come home till January. One night, while he was gone I hung out with my girlfriends and we had a couple of drinks and I cheated on him that night. When he came home in January for 10 days he found out from his cousin that I cheated on him.

Start of Dr Love's Answer
I understand why you're so beside yourself. You both are dealing with a sea of emotions. You feel guilty and are questioning your love for him. At the same time, you're feeling annoyed by his nonstop calling and attempts to control you, which are themselves being fueled his feelings of hurt and mistrust.
 

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Girl Whose Boyfriend Went Berserk When He Found Out That She Kissed Another

in

Start of a question about Relationships

Dear Dr. Love,

Hi. I'm Mary. . .and I'm 15. I hope you please answer this question in your column. . .it's very important to me.

Start of Dr Love's Answer
You are correct that you did nothing wrong. But, your boyfriend is very psychologically fragile and he experienced your previous attachment as a betrayal. Never mind that his reaction is illogical. Feelings are rarely logical. It sounds to me like your friend was very damaged early in his life, and your comments about having cared for another, ripped open an old abandonment wound of his.

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He's Issued an Ultimatum

in

Start of a question about Relationships

Hi Dr. Love.

I am a college female and I am desperate for advice. I am in a two-year relationship with someone that I love so much, but when he does something wrong I let him get away with it after staying mad for a day or so.

However, I only did one thing wrong by not trusting him and he wanted to break up until I begged him not to. He set down rules such as I cannot look at his cell phone or ask where and with whom he goes on the weekends.

Start of Dr Love's Answer

First thing, no decisions should be made in the heat of anger. Second, let's talk about what you call your habit of letting him get away with doing something wrong. What exactly does this mean? Do you mean that you don't lay down rules like he does? Does it mean that you act out your anger rather than tell him in words what he's said or done that you don't like?

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She's Stabbing You in the Back

in

Start of a question about Dating

I really need some help. Me and this girl met about a year and a half ago. We quickly became very good friends, but we didn't date because she was seeing someone else.

However, I grew to love her. . . and apparently, supposedly she grew to care much about me too eventually.

She broke up with her boyfriend and we started to date in October. By January, we had broken up ourselves, but neither of us wanted to lose our best friend.

Start of Dr Love's Answer

I think you feel used and backstabbed. She says she's your friend. She calls you on the phone. Then you hear from others that she's crying about her crazy ex-boyfriend--you! I would talk to her. Tell her what you've heard. Tell her that you thought that you were friends. Now that you find out that she's talking behind your back, you feel played or used (or whatever you do feel).

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Trust Factor to a Near Zilch

in

Start of a question about Relationships

Hi Dr. Turndorf,

I am currently in a relationship and it's been one year with my girl now.


Start of Dr Love's Answer

You have reason to mistrust this girl.

From what you've said, she lies. So, I guess my question to you is why are you so attached to someone you can't trust. How does this fit with your history? Were you lied to as a kid? Did one of your parents lie to the other?

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Is it Worth Throwing Away our Marriage?

in

Start of a question about Relationships

Hello, my name is Stephanie, and I am having a huge problem!

I need some answers please. I just found out that my wife made out with a guy in a bar in Germany 3 years ago. We weren't married at that time but we had been together for 5 years. We were going through some relationship issues during that time. We had been living together but decided to get our own places for a while.

We never broke off the relationship but we were seeing less of each other and we both were questioning the relationship. We were still in a committed relationaship.

Start of Dr Love's Answer

I understand that you feel betrayed. Surely this wasn't your wife's shining moment.

I imagine she was upset over your troubled relationship. You were separated at the time and I'm sure you both were quite confused about your future. She became drunk and acted out.

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She is Friendly with Her Ex and You're Not Liking it

in

Start of a question about Relationships

Dear Dr. Turndorf,

I've been dating my girlfriend for about a year and five months. Recently we've been having problems.

I found out that her ex-boyfriend that she only went out with for three months in the past had called her at her job to talk to her again or whatever his intensions are. But my girlfriend gave him her cell number. She is the type of person that thinks that talking to any guy from her past is ok.

She never loved her ex. I am her first love, so she considers her ex-boyfriend as a friend, so she says.

Start of Dr Love's Answer

I understand that you are feeling threatened. You say that you would be comfortable if your girlfriend were friendly with men that you know, but you aren't comfortable with her being friendly with an ex-boyfriend.

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She's Kissing Another Guy with Your Ring on Her Finger!

in

Start of a question about Dating

I really need help in my current situation, which is keeping me out of order. I can't work sleep or even eat. I'm totally lost. Please be so kind and read my story and tell me what to do. I will try to cut it short as possible not to waste your time. If any details you think are essential for your judgment please ask me again.


Start of Dr Love's Answer

I hear how distressed you are and I am sorry that you are suffering so much.

Before we begin, I want to say that you addressed your letter to me as Dear Sir. Unless I'm missing something--and in reality I am, since I'm not a male, I'm a female. I'll assume that you have been too upset to notice my picture on the home page of my site.

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