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Power Struggles

He Thinks Sex Every Two Weeks is Normal

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Start of a question about Sex

Hi, my name is Julia. Me and my boyfriend met a week after he ended a 2 year abusive relationship. His ex-girlfriend was cold and unaffectionate, and finally told him to leave if he wouldn't change. She would humiliate him, reject him, and hit him daily.

WHen I met him, he was in counselling and on paxil. 2 weeks later, I moved in with him, he stopped taking paxil, and we've lived happily ever after ever since except for 1 problem.

Start of Dr Love's Answer
If you've been reading my column for a while, you have heard me speak about homogamy, or similarity, being directly linked to relationship satisfaction. When it comes to sex--no pun intended--you and your boyfriend's drives are not at all homogamous. He is a sexual camel who can go long periods without it; you, on the other hand, seem to need more frequent contact. Such

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Confused and Angry

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Start of a question about Dating

Hello, I am writing to you for some advice about my fiance. When he is not sleeping or eating hs is on this computer. His business deals with computers also, but even when he is not working he is always on this computer. He stays up until 3 and 4 in the morning doing god knows what on the computer. I talked to him about it and for about a week he spent time with me and one day he didn't even turn the thing on. I was finally happy and lately he has slipped back into the rut again.

Start of Dr Love's Answer

Your boyfriend has one of two problems: either he has an addictive personality and/or he is using the computer in order to avoid intimacy. You are naturally feeling hurt and rejected, and have fallen into a trap that many women fall into.

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Waiting for Him

in

Start of a question about Relationships

Well Doc, my name is Joe and I messed up big time!

I was in a relationship for almost 8 years. Just in the past 2 weeks my world has come crashing down around me. We have had problems on and off all 8 years but we always seemed to work them out or so I thought.

He came to me and told me that he hasn't been happy for a while and that he thinks that we should break up. Now he says that he still loves me and I love him but things will never change like for example me spending time with him (he like racing cars and band stuff).

Start of Dr Love's Answer

If I understand, you and your boyfriend are incompatible when it comes to how much time you like to spend together at home. You're a self-described home body and he likes to race cars and play in a band. It sounds like you argued over his being away from you too much, or something similar.

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Box Spring Battle

in

Start of a question about Sex

I need help in the initiating sex department. I am 35 and married with three children. I have been married for 16 years and my husband has always done the initiating.

Now he says he will not initiate and will hold out on me until I initiate. For some reason I am not sure what to do. We are not big kissers (he chews Skoal) so I never know whether he has a chew in or not-so we don't kiss very often at all.

Please help--my marriage is in trouble.

Start of Dr Love's Answer

You are in a serious power struggle. Now your husband has resorted to using his penis as a power tool!

Your husband, like most men, isn't telling you how he feels. He's expressing his anger through action--setting up a power struggle.

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My Wife Won't Wear High Heels

in

Start of a question about Sex

DR LOVE,

I am married for 37 years and am 58 years old. Is it normal to take notice particularly of women wearing high heels? My wife thinks I am wierd but don't a lot of men like to look at women in high heels?

My wife wears 3 inch high heels on occasion and I know it makes her legs look nice. What do you think about this?

Start of Dr Love's Answer

Your wife says you're weird for wanting her to wear high heel pumps. Your problem sounds like a pump power struggle. I also hear your plea for me to endorse your position, so that you can go back to your wife armed with ammunition to support your case--'see honey, even an expert agrees that it's normal for a man to like a woman in heels'.

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He Fights the Togetherness

in

Start of a question about Relationships

Whenever my husband and i go on any outing i get mad cause he is always moving ahead of me and when i would tell him to wait up he gets really mad and would tell me he does not see why he needs to wait on me. . . .

this really bothers me cause i like us to do things together and that make me upset with him and it spoils our outing cause he will not talk to me and i won't talk with him. . . . how can i make him see that doing things together is important in our relationship. . help

Start of Dr Love's Answer

The problem here is that your husband is resisting the connection with you. The more you push him, the more he resists and rushes ahead. He has an emotional problem, which means that until he recognizes the underlying cause of his behavior your attempts to make him see reason will be futile.

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Your Parents Hate Your Boyfriend

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Start of a question about Relationships

Hey its my first time on this site and i am having alot of problems with my boyfriend and my parents. . first to begin my parents do not like my boyfriend very much and they are trying to keep us apart. .

what should i do?

Start of Dr Love's Answer

It's very painful to be in your situation. You are literally being pulled in opposite directions. I understand that your parents don't like your boyfriend and I have to assume that he isn't an ax murderer or a derelict, which would mean that they have objective reasons to dislike him.

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How Do I Restore a Mediocre Sex Life

in

Start of a question about Sex

Definitely need advice.  My husband has been on Tranxene's for that last 20 yrs. He is also on high blood pressure medication. We all know hose two meds, can deprive an encounter in the bedroom. He just recently had another anxiety attack, and the drs. are weaning him off of Tranxene but replacing it with Zoloft and Xanax.

Start of Dr Love's Answer

Whoever you're listening to on the radio isn't me. For one thing, I'm not so young; for another, I wouldn't recommend candles as a solution to the complex relationship disturbance that you are experiencing!

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He Feels Frustrated to Talk to You

in

Start of a question about Dating

Dear Dr. Love:

I have been together with my bf for two years. But he never has much to say to me. He says everytime he talks to me he feels pressured and irritated. He's not very interested in talking to me because he has nothing to talk about with me, he says.

I know a person's voice can affect another 's mood. But I have tried talking to him nicely and happily. When I think things are fine, he still tells me that he feels frustrated when he talks to me.

What am I supposed to do?

Start of Dr Love's Answer

You want your boyfriend to talk to you. He hasn't much to say. I suspect that he feels pressured and irritated because he senses that you want him to talk more with you. He knows what you want and he knows that he's failing you.

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Is it OK for your husband to hang around his ex girlfriends

in

Start of a question about Relationships

My husband and i have been married 3 months, he moved me to his home town about a year ago and i have run into or hear about his ex's. Just tonight he brought up one of his ex's in conversation.

I tell him i'd like to just leave them in the past, yes i throw them in his face at times and i know its wrong. But tonight he said i might meet this person some day, we may go to a hockey game together sometime.

Should i be upset that he thinks its okay to hang around with women he's had past sexual relationships with? He thinks i'm overeacting, am i?

Start of Dr Love's Answer

Many men remain friends with ex-girlfriends and many women don't mind this. How other women feel about this subject doesn't matter at all.

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