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Trust

How to Trust Again?

in

Start of a question about Relationships

My wife and I have been married for 30 years. We are now separated and she is trying to find herself. She claims she doesn't know what she wants. She's afraid she may ruin everything.

For many of our years, I haven't been there for her emotionally. She claims to still love me but not as husband or lover. She had an affair about 3 years ago and she doesn't seam to want to repair the damage.

Start of Dr Love's Answer

You say that your wife had an affair and doesn't want to repair the damage. Since she can't undo the affair, what can she do to repair the damage? Apologize profusely? Act penitent? Try to make it up to you?

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Is it Time to Take My Leave?

in

Start of a question about Relationships

I have been married for 12 years. Last year, I found out that my husband has cheated on me for the past 3-5 years.

He promised it's over between them as she is getting married and gone back to Indonesia. The suspicion of him cheating still lingers in me since then. Little sperm stains are found on his briefs almost every week!

The last time we had sex was last year. Women have discharge. Do men have sperm discharge too without ejaculation?

If there is no sperm discharge without ejaculation, it's time for me to take my leave.

Start of Dr Love's Answer

You ended your letter by saying if there's no sperm discharge without ejaculation then it's time for you to leave. What I really think you're saying is that if the discharge you see indicates that he's ejaculated, then he must be cheating on you.

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What Happened?

in

Start of a question about Relationships

I was recently involved with a guy that I met online for about six weeks. We were in phone contact probably about twice a week and went on four dates. We became intimate on our third date, after 5 weeks. It was great. He asked me out again, for Saturday night before Christmas eve.

On the fourth date, I brought up the question of exclusivity. He did not call again for about two weeks. Then, he sent me an email saying that I was too mistrusting and he couldn't be with me.

Start of Dr Love's Answer

I don't think you did anything wrong.

I have two theories as to what happened. The first is that this man is an intimacy phobic and when you asked to talk about exclusivity, he became terrified. Rather than admit his own frailty, he redirected the blame onto you and off of his rather anemic ego.

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Trust Factor to a Near Zilch

in

Start of a question about Relationships

Hi Dr. Turndorf,

I am currently in a relationship and it's been one year with my girl now.


Start of Dr Love's Answer

You have reason to mistrust this girl.

From what you've said, she lies. So, I guess my question to you is why are you so attached to someone you can't trust. How does this fit with your history? Were you lied to as a kid? Did one of your parents lie to the other?

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I'm Desperate Here

in

Start of a question about Relationships

My second husband and I have been married for 2-1/2 years. We dated for over 2 years via long distance (me in Tulsa and he in Chicago). When we married, I quit my job, sold my house and moved my two kids here to be with him.

Start of Dr Love's Answer

What an awful situation you're in. If you truly believe that there is no hope of getting any comfort and reassurance from your husband, then why are you staying together? You must have some hope on some level things can change.

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Cramped in California

in

Start of a question about Relationships

I have been dating Misty for over 2 years now. We met in the air force, I am 33 she is 29. Last November she cheated on me with an old boyfriend of hers. Told me she was going home to LA for a week, but actually flew to DC and spent the time with Larry.

Start of Dr Love's Answer

You have been traumatized by your girlfriend's deceitful behavior. The reason you aren't able to let the issue go is partly because you have been traumatized; the way the psyche tries to repair a trauma is through repetition, which includes going over and over the painful event and not letting go of the issue until it's resolved.

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Extremely Jealous

in

Start of a question about Relationships

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and half, he cheated on me once and we got over it, we decided to stay together.

It has been over a year since this incident and I love him so much that I can't even describe it and I know he feels the same way, but no matter how much I love him I always get extremely jealous and very insecure when he is with any other girl, even if they have a B/F. I become depressed after this and want to cry, but I can't help but feel this way every time, he says I don't trust him, but I do, I just can't help but think he may start liking them. . .


Start of Dr Love's Answer

I know you believe that you have gotten over being cheated on, but the fact that you still fear that your boyfriend will become involved with another girl means that you haven't gotten over 'it.' When a person can't let go of a feeling or issue, it's because he/she is traumatized.

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Ready to Go out of Your Mind

in

Start of a question about Dating

I really hope that you can help me. My last long term relationship ended 4 years ago. We were together for 7 years. The problem I have is finding someone that I'm attracted to who is also attracted to me and not sabotaging the relationship.

For the past year or so I have been going out socially 3 or 4 nights each week and as of today I realized that my drinking is causing me to act very irresponsibly to the point of totally ruining any hopes of a loving relationship. Last night, after a wonderful date, I ended up kissing a mutual friend right in front of my date.

Start of Dr Love's Answer

I am sorry to hear how desperate you're feeling. You said that you've decided not to socialize so often. . . maybe even only once or twice a month because you just don't trust yourself anymore.

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Jealous Man

in

Start of a question about Relationships

I just found out about your website. I believe that this is great. . I also realize that I need help.

Im going to get married next month to the woman of my dreams, my problem is that I suffer from jealousy, I am not a violent person, so when I get like this I pile up all this negative feelings that I let out in private. . .

Start of Dr Love's Answer

I give you credit for writing to me. More often, I receive desperate letters from people who are dating or married to jealous partners who won't get help for themselves. So, good for you that you had the guts to recognize your problem and seek therapy.

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Can You See What I'm Up Against?

in

Start of a question about Relationships

Help!! I am engaged to someone who has two children (3 and 5). At first they were not an issue, but as time passed I came to realize that he was easily manipulated by his ex wife, and often spineless. In addition, he refuses to reinforce basic respect and consideration principles with his children when they deal with me.


Start of Dr Love's Answer

I can surely see what you're up against. What worries me is that you need me to validate what you already know--meaning that you don't trust yourself sufficiently. If you waffle with me, then you surely waffle with with your fiance, and he will play upon your doubts and try to wear you down. Your fiance has a real problem.

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