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Repetition Compulsion

Long Distance Lovelorn

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Start of a question about Relationships

Dear Dr. Love,

I am hoping that you can help me. I have been in a relationship with a guy for several months, and things up to this point have been going very well. Since the start, we see each other frequently, talk every day, etc. We have had our arguments, but nothing really serious.

Start of Dr Love's Answer

Dear Long Distance Lovelorn,

I hear how worried you are that you might lose this man. In reality, this guy has already abandoned you by taking the promotion. He never discussed it with you and simply took the transfer.

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One Very Confused Guy

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Start of a question about Relationships

Hi. Not really sure how I should head this, but, well, hi. Anyways, I am very deeply in love with a woman who is also my best friend, and we met online and talk on the phone all the time. We have everything in the world in common, and can talk for hours about nothing and have a wonderful time. She admitted to me when I told her how I felt that she felt the same way, but there is a problem.

Start of Dr Love's Answer

I want you to understand that your girlfriend wouldn't be attached to this man who controls and fights with her if this relationship weren't meeting some deep need inside of her. Your girlfriend is stuck in a repetition compulsion (the compulsion to recreate some traumatic aspect of her early life).

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Is Our Relationship Doomed?

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Start of a question about Relationships

I have been dating this girl for about 5 months now and love her very much. She says she loves me too, and I am sure of that.  The problem is, she wants to be friends with her ex.  He was abusive to her and cheated on her multiple 


Start of Dr Love's Answer

What an excellent question. Before you focus what to do or not do, I want to help you become clearer on what I believe is your girlfriend's motivation for staying in touch with the ex. I recommend sharing all this with her.

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How Can I Make Him Realize What He's Doing to Me?

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Start of a question about Relationships

How can i make my husband realize what he is doing to me. He is very controlling and and very jealous.

He never puts me first in our relationship. He has never hit me but he talks to me like I'm nothing sometimes. How can i stick up for myself, and let him now I'm serious, and it isn't a joke. I feel like he doesn't love me any more.

We have been together for 7 years and been married 3 years. I can't give my thoughts on anything to him. It seems it doesn't even matter to him. Please give me feedback. Thank you.

Start of Dr Love's Answer

I hear how desperate you are.

Basically, your husband is wiping his boots on you. When you balk he tells you that he could care less about how you feel. You are being abused.

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Haven't Gotten Over My Ex

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Start of a question about Relationships

I just got married about a month ago, and everything is great in the marriage, more than I could ever want. My problem is that I still haven't gotten over my ex, and I don't want this to come between my husband and I.

I've tried talking to my husband about it, but he gets upset over it. I'm not too sure about what to do now. How can I stop this from ruining my marriage?

Start of Dr Love's Answer

You say you haven't gotten over your ex. We need to be much more clear on what you're holding on to. Do you still feel that you love your ex? Are you hanging on to a grudge? It's necessary for you to clarify what you're holding on to.

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She's Crying on Your Shoulder and Going Home to Him

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Start of a question about Relationships

Stella and I have been friends for a couple of months.

Since then we have gotten much closer than we used to be and I fell in love with her. The problem is that she has a boyfriend for 18 months and she doesn't know my feelings.

We are close friends now and she tells me that her boyfriend does not treat her well. I don't know what to do. Although she argues very often with him their relationship still continues.

Please could you advise me what to do?

Start of Dr Love's Answer

I have to wonder what Stella hopes to gain when she complains to you about how her boyfriend mistreats her.

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Trust Factor to a Near Zilch

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Start of a question about Relationships

Hi Dr. Turndorf,

I am currently in a relationship and it's been one year with my girl now.


Start of Dr Love's Answer

You have reason to mistrust this girl.

From what you've said, she lies. So, I guess my question to you is why are you so attached to someone you can't trust. How does this fit with your history? Were you lied to as a kid? Did one of your parents lie to the other?

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She's Attached to an Abusive Ex

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Start of a question about Relationships

Dr. Turndorf,

I really need your help. I've been in a relationship with a woman for almost a year now who has been in abusive relationship (physical/ emotional) in the past.

I really love her and want this relationship to work out. She has a child with one of the abusers. She doesn't quite know how to pull away from him. He's using the child as the bait to continue his control.


Start of Dr Love's Answer

I'm afraid that your girlfriend is locked in what's called a repetition compulsion.

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What Can I Do to Change His Mind?

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Start of a question about Relationships

First, a quick briefing. . . . I met a man who was separated from his wife. We started dating and he proceeded with the divorce. About a year later he left me and went back to his ex-wife.

Yes I still love him and believe he loves me too, but he won't leave her to be with me again. Is there anything I can do to try to change his mind? If not, what can I do to change my mind?

Start of Dr Love's Answer

I understand how much you care for this man and it is very painful when love isn't returned. I'm afraid that there is little that you can do to change his mind. As you probably know, it's hard enough to change your own mind let alone someone else's.

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Devastated

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Start of a question about Relationships

Hi there Dr. Turndorf, just wanting your advice on a subject that has been affecting me for a long time. I'll try to make it brief.

I am recently divorced as of July/04. I divorced my ex-husband because he did not want to have a family after 11 years of marriage. Afterwards, he suffered a heart attack and sort of placed the blame on me.


Start of Dr Love's Answer

You said that your problem is that you are afraid of mailing the letter to your ex-boyfriend. Your fear is an unconscious warning signal telling you that mailing the letter is dangerous to you. What could the danger be?

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