Am I Being Selfish?

You are obviously a very considerate person who always takes other peoples' feelings into account. The problem is that you were never taught to put yourself and your needs first. This explains why you feel so guilty and selfish whenever you think about taking care of number one.

Your first task is to figure out where you learned to be so selfless. Were you raised in a very religious family that taught you that selflessness was next to Godliness? Was your mother a selfless person? Did you learn to be this way by following her example or were you told outright that this type of sacrifice was expected? Were you raised to caretake your parents?

Many times a child will be placed in the parental role and this type of experience during the formative years teaches a person that she is supposed to take care of others first and ignore her own needs. When you figure out where this pattern stems from, your next job is to reprogram yourself with the right message. You are to tell yourself that it is vital for you to take care of yourself first and to insure your happiness in life. You know deep down that you need to listen to your inner voice and do what's right for you.

If doing what's best for you means that someone else gets hurt in the process, then that 's the way it has to be. Putting yourself first is going to make you feel guilty and selfish--how could you not feel this way given who you are and how you've lived your life so far. Your job is to feel guilty and do what you have to do anyway. You are right that you are going to need to be on good terms with your husband, for the sake of the children and so you will need to uncouple in a way that protects his feelings and his ego as much as possible. You can even take the 'blame' on yourself.

Rather that telling him that he's not right for you, or enumerating his various flaws, talk about how you have changed or what you need has changed. I know that above all you are worried about your son. Remember that your children will be happy if you are. Staying in a miserable marriage is unfair to your kids in that it teaches them to model after you and not take care of themselves. Let me know how you do.