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Am I Completely Off Base

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 09/30/2002 - 8:00pm
in
September 30, 2002

Question

I have been involved in a committed loving relationship with a wonderful woman for the past 5 years.

Recently she has withdrawn, emotionally and physically. She's practically lost all interest in trying to be emotionally and physically giving. Three weeks ago she asked me to move out because she was confused and needed space. Recent conversations have revealed that she loves me and our life but feels crowded by my constant presence and is hesitant about my moving back in because she feels we will fall back into the same rut. . . house work, home improvements, and not enough social activities and Alone Time.

'Her Alone Time' centers her and helps her destress. She has also confessed that she does not know how to be intimate and affectionate at the level I seem to need and feels pressured when she sees I need it. I am at a loss. We have many financial investments together that I am afraid she cannot handle on her own. A house that needs two people to tend to. She has a son that I have been raising with her for the past 5 years and I miss them both dearly.

Yes I need to learn to be more socially active and plan more romantic adventures but it's not like I haven't done or tried this in the past, just not enough. It seems she gets overwhelmed with the way I love her and then withdraws. That is an issue because I am a very caring, giving, supportive, affectionate and physical man. She has admitted to me that I have given 120% and she could ask for nothing more form me, she has said this is her fault, she is simply confused, needs space and alone time.

We have seen each other, gone shopping had dinner but she always asks me to leave and refuses to allow herself to be in an intimate situation with me, I never push that issues, ever. I have explained that my love for her is true and that if this is about alone time and social events, I can easily fix that and with much enthusiasm. For her I would give the world and work for the relationship.

All I ask from her is a simple sign that she wants and desires me enough to try. It doesn't need to be a huge gesture, simply a look, a tremble in her hand as she looks me in the eye, anything but it doesn't seem to be forthcoming. She has said that she doesn't know how to love and give affection, her mom was a reason for this she feels and I think she is trying to bail because she is afraid of losing herself by letting herself open up to me and truly love me.

I have sought out a counselor and she has agreed to come to a visit or two. . what am I to do in the interim? How can I persuade/ convince her that it is ok to take that risk and love me or am I completely off base. . . . does she simply want out?


Answer

You are very sensitive, insightful, and possess a good grasp of the problem. Yes, it does sound like your girlfriend is terrified of closeness. The fact that she has agreed to a session or two is good, but nothing will change within her character structure with such a short amount of treatment.

I need to respond to your own sense of hunger to be fed by her, which I think may be actually intensifying her terror of being closer to you. The first remark that triggered my radar was, 'She does not know how to be intimate and affectionate at the level I seem to need. ' You seem well aware of how our childhood experiences influence how we related as adults. We know that your girlfriend is terrified of closeness and scared of losing herself, while you, on the other hand, seem to be looking for your girlfriend to fill a void inside yourself by pushing for more connection.

The more you try to get her to fill that void, the more terrified she becomes, the more she runs, the more desperate you feel, the more you pursue her, and on and on. You have an appointment with a shrink and you have asked what you can do in the interim to convince her to come closer to you. The sense of urgency--what do I do now--is a clue that unfinished business is surfacing and making you anxious. Whenever we feel an urgent need to 'do' something it's because our unconscious wants to obtain some relief from the building emotional tension. Taking action or 'doing something' is one way to release the pressure, at least temporarily.

What you need to do is figure out why you are too anxious to sit back and let this thing play out. Are you afraid of losing her (is abandonment terror behind your need for a really closeconnection?). Paradoxically, if you were more able to give her emotional breathing room, I bet her own anxiety over being crowded would diminish, as would her urge to run away from you.

If you get nothing from this letter, get the fact that the problem here is the collision of both your issues: her fear of intimacy and your own hunger and neediness. Your problem is like oil on the fire of her fear. If you are able to understand where your emptiness comes from and you work to heal this in your own therapy, you will be less demanding of her and she will feel less like pulling away. This is the only shot that you have.

- Doctor Love

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