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Am I Romantically Challenged?

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 12/03/2001 - 7:00pm
in
December 3, 2001

Question

i have a problem. i will feel a flickering infatuation for a guy that i am friends with. i will sometimes feel a connection, an attraction, a happiness with him that i don't feel for my other male friends but when i don't feel it i get confused. i would really like to have a relationship but i get scared that it wouldn't work. that is the way i am with any guy that i like. i will feel the warm loving feelings and fantasize about a relationship and marriage with him temperarily and then nothing.

when i have the feelings they feel real and then when i am not feeling them i pick them apart and worry if my feelings were what i thought they were. i wouldn't be so concerned about romantic feelings for him if i never felt them before but it upsets me that i can't feel the feelings long enough to have a relationship.

is it that i just am not in love or is it me? can anxiety with obessing over my feelings turn attraction to him off? i feel like i am romantically challanged. can dwelling too much in fantasy lead to discontentment in real relationships? also, if this means anything, i was seriously involved with a man in the past whom i agonized over my inconsistant feelings over, and i noticed that i felt feelings for more guys when i was already involved in a serious relationship with him.

maybe i should also include that my mom divorced due to my dad's mental illness while i was a toddler, my grandmother divorced, and my great-grandmother divorced. i am not expecting any clear-cut answers as to why this is, but as much insight as possible on this situation. thank you for your time.


Answer

First, you need to know that feelings fluctuate. We can feel warmly toward a person one minute and hate that person in another minute. The feeling of hate doesn't negate or destroy the feelings of love, it merely obscures it temporarily much like a cloud passing over the sun. The sun always reappears when the cloud passes by. Feelings are the same, loving feelings return when negative emotions pass.

I think your problem is that you panic when you are feeling negatively toward your love object. You think that you will never feel love for your boyfriend again, you start to doubt your feelings for the person and the relationship itself. Then, you panic, and the panic is a giant cloud. Yes, it's true, panic obscures other emotions. So, first and foremost you must accept that feelings fluctuate. Relax when a negative or doubtful feeling arises.

Married people who adore their spouses often have moments when they feel like running away from home or downright strangling their mates. Think of your feelings as farts. They come and they go. Don't attach too much weight to any of them.

As you relax and let your negative feelings and doubts come and go, you will see that the love reappears. Thanks for asking this question, which I am sure will help many others to feel freer to feel.

- Doctor Love

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