Bewildered

First of all, please stop doing the self-blame thing. (I'm not attractive). We women are notorious for blaming ourselves for everything, even things that have nothing to do with us. So, blame the other guy, unless otherwise informed! This is a slight exaggeration, but I hope you get my point.

Now, as for your lover, it sounds like he is having erectile problems (problems maintaining an erection), which is so humiliating to a man. And, when he senses that his erection is fading, it is less humiliating to say, "Oops, I have to take a pee," rather than say, "I'm losing it."

How can we help a man with erection difficulties? First, find out if the problem is physical. (I doubt that this is so, especially since he's such a young man. And, besides, research shows that, in the majority of cases, erectile difficulties are due to psychological not physical factors.) But, to be absolutely sure that no physical problems are lurking, you can ask him if he always awakens in the morning with an erection. If he doesn't awaken with erections, then he should see a urologist that specializes in evaluating sexual dysfunctions. These specialists can check out hormone levels and do blood flood studies to make sure that everything is normal.

It is good to make sure that he isn't taking any drugs which may interfere with sexual performance, such as anti-depressants, blood-pressure medication, steroids, etc.

It is also good to consider life-stress issues. If he is under enormous stress, the sexual plumbing can fail to perform.

All this being said, let's return to my original position: that his difficulty in maintaining erections is due to emotional factors. What type of emotional factors could be causing this problem? Since he obtains an erection and can start intercourse, it means that he isn't too stressed out by life, otherwise, it would be hard to obtain an erection at all. And, if he weren't attracted to you, he wouldn't be able to get an erection in the first place. So, I suspect that certain thoughts or feelings are arising in his mind during the sex act, and that these thoughts are sufficient to interfere with his performance. What type of thoughts could be intruding? My mind latches on to the most obvious of all. Your age difference. Is it possible that he is feeling guilty to be sleeping with an older woman. Mind you, the guilt could be unconscious, but no matter what level the guilt operates on, it is sufficient to take the wind from his sails.

So, what can you do?

Talk to him. Ask him what thoughts and feelings go through his mind just before he loses his erection. Ask him if he can find any guilty thoughts tumbling in his mind. Hint: Most people have unconscious guilt feelings over their normal, natural sexual attraction to their parents. And, when we date an older person, it is normal for the mind to link the lover with a parental figure. In which case, the old feelings of guilt can return and gum the sexual works as I explained above.

Depending on how open your lover is, you may be able to discuss this with him. Or, perhaps he would feel more comfortable talking with me about these issues.

In any event, please realize you are attractive. (He wouldn't get hard in the first place if you weren't.) So, let's focus on him, and see if we can help him work this out.

By the way, in order to help him not develop a full-blown case of sexual performance anxiety, we will need to deemphasize his penis and the pressure to obtain erections, and focus more on sensuality and pleasure giving without erections. In the next couple of weeks, I will be adding a searchable advice archive to my website, which will make it easy for you to find the previous advice that I have offered on this subject (how to overcome sexual performance anxiety.)

After you have talked more with him, let me know what you both figure out. If I am correct, and unconscious guilt is the problem, this can be worked through by talking. Good luck.