Can You See What I'm Up Against?

I can surely see what you're up against. What worries me is that you need me to validate what you already know--meaning that you don't trust yourself sufficiently. If you waffle with me, then you surely waffle with with your fiance, and he will play upon your doubts and try to wear you down. Your fiance has a real problem. He thinks that he's entitled to say and do whatever he wants when he's angry, including insult your character by calling you names as well as belittling your feelings, etc. .

What's more, your fiance is training his kids to be little clones of himself. He encourages them to act-out and disrespect other people. When you call him on his lack of proper limit-setting with his children, he throws a fit because you are challenging his own self-indulgent behavior. He has no intention of controlling himself, so why would he control his children. What you are up against is a person who is totally out-of-control and doesn't want to get in control. When you try to stop him, he attacks you, and throws your confrontation back in your face. He will do anything to protect himself from absorbing information that would force him to give up his way of behaving, which is highly gratifying to him.

There is nothing wrong with you or your expectations. Since you need validation from me, I will tell you specifically: no one has the right to treat you in a way that feels disrespectful to you. If he wants the relationship with you, he needs to consider, not belittle, your feelings. Clearly his need to get his rocks off, defy rules and authority (thereby symbolically raging against his parents) is more important to him that being focused on you and the relationship.

I have to wonder what's in it for you to marry someone who is more married to his unfinished business than he will ever be married to you. It sounds to me like you have your own childhood business rearing it's head. You need to understand why you have chosen a man who belittles your feelings. Is this what your parents did to you? I suspect that your parents made you doubt your reality and perceptions, which left you feeling confused, crazy, and frustrated. Your unfinished business may be driving you to attempt to 'fix' your parent by engaging in the struggle to get your fiance to see that he is wrong and that you are right. C

learly you need someone to see that you are right. I see, but will your parent and your fiance ever see? Most people who make a career of going out of control don't want to be roped in and told to behave. So, I wouldn't be surprised if your fiance never sees what you're up against. This means that you are going to have to decide whether you want to spend your life symbolically trying to fix a parent who would never respect your feelings.