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Can't Leave the Liar

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 08/21/2000 - 8:00pm
in
August 21, 2000

Question

I'm afraid I need some advice. I am 22 and engaged to a man that I don't trust.

In the past year he has been arrested, fired, actually there has been too much trouble to mention. He isn't the same person that I fell in love with. Our main problem is that he lies to me. He lies about everything, but mostly about money. He has been charged with fraud twice this year already, so I'm talking about serious lies.

He recently incurred a very large phone bill ($1500. 00) by entering internet porn sites, which I am very against. He knows my wishes but did it anyway. I found out when the phone bill came and he still denied it. Finally he admitted it, but he only ever admits it when i catch him. I don't feel that I can marry him if I don't trust him. I always ask him to just come clean with me. He always tells me that there is nothing else he is hiding.

Then I find the evidence. I feel more like his mother than his fiancee. He told me before that he lies to me because he's scared that I'll leave him. I told him I won't leave him if he would just tell me the truth. Now I feel stuck because I can't leave because he lied to me.

I don't know what to do. Please help me get my relationship under control.


Answer

I hear that you are asking me to help you get the relationship under control. That is impossible.

For one thing, the man you are seeing is completely out-of-control, and he doesn't seem to want to get in control. As long as you hitch your wagon to him, you are going to be out-of-control with him.

Second, you need to figure out why you would put your energy into attempting to change someone else. You need to be focusing on yourself. On finding out why you are staying with this man. I know you said that you made a promise to stay with him as long as he's truthful.

So, if he admitted that he was an ax murderer or a child molester, would you still feel obligated to stay? In my new book, I talk about violations of marital law. Even though you aren't married, the principle still applies to you. When a person violates the law, he is violating the relationship. No relationship can exist with a person who is drugging, stealing, gambling, etc. The person's illegal behavior automatically breaks the relationship, because he could end up in jail at any moment, which means bye bye relationship.

Why are you patiently waiting around until he delivers the death blow to himself and the relationship? You are not obligated to stay on a sinking ship. And, don't tell me you feel sorry for him. There is nothing to pity here. He is a criminal, a sociopath (person without conscience) and he isn't asking for help. He will take you down with him if you let him. You need to figure out why you think you need to stick around and fix him or get him under control.

I guarantee you that you grew up with a parent who was a sociopath. If I am right, you probably felt that it was up to you to fix your parent. Since a child can't trade in a parent, he/she must make do with the one he/she is given. Here is where the efforts to fix and save the parent come in. Well, he isn't your parent, and fixing him isn't your job.

If you can't break free of this sick pattern, then you need to enter therapy right away. Keep me posted on your progress.

- Doctor Love

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