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Choosing to be Alone

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 12/27/1999 - 8:00pm
in
December 27, 1999

Question

I have been reading your advice column now for some time and I think you give excellent advice.  Now I'm hoping you can help me out with a problem I am having now.  It's kind of a strange one compared to other ones your readers ask you. 

While most of them seek advice on how to restore relationships and their love life I am asking you on ways to avoid them.  I am a 23 year old male who has had two girlfriends in in my past.  My first relationship lasted 3years and ended when I found out she had been engaged to someone else for the the last 9 months of our relationship.  Needless to say that experience hurt me (Iwas 17 when I found this out). 

My second relationship began about a year and half ago and lasted about 6 months only to end up with her cheating on me with a mutual friend of ours.  Even though it has been some time now since that ended I am still feeling the effects of the outcomes of both experiences.  I have always thought that true love meant that both partners are willing to do anything for the other. 

As you can imagine my partners apparently have not felt the same.  To be honest I do not believe that I will ever find love again.  I don't think I will ever be able to let anyone else "in" again so I have come to the decision that I will give up on love altogether for the rest of my life.  while I do realize that I am essentially erasing any chance for a "normal" life with a family and so forth I have been weighing the pros and cons for some time. 

I guess some things aren't meant to be.  Apparently this applies to my love life for me.  So now I am trying to find a way to basically remove myself from any sort of future involvement with a woman.  even if it means being alone for the rest of my life.  I am sure that I am not the first to feel this way but maybe I am the first asking you for advice on how to avoid love. 

Thanks again for your time and I hope you choose to respond.  Happy Holidays ! 

choosing to be alone


Answer

In the spirit of Christmas, I am going to name you my 'Relationship Scrooge.' For you are the man who says, 'Bah Humbug' to relationships.

Remember what happened to Scrooge by the end of the novel. He had a turnaround! Why do I liken you to Scrooge?

Because I can see that you aren't 100% sure that you don't want a relationship. I know that you consciously think you don't, but if you were completely unconflicted about this decision, you wouldn't have written to me asking for advice on how to stay away from women. If you were completely decided to be a loner, you'd simply stay away from women and that would be that.

My point is, when you ask for ideas on how to stay alone, you are actually telling me that you are fighting against a strong impulse not to be alone. If there were no force inside yourself pulling you to other people, there would be no struggle, hence no need for advice on how to stay apart.

So, as I see your issue, you are in conflict regarding whether or not to give up on love. I encourage you to resolve this conflict. Once you do, then if being alone is right for you, it will come naturally without prompting from an outsider.

As part of resolving your conflict, I think that you need to face an important fact: Your wish to be alone is caused by a feeling of defeat due to two failed relationships, and a sense that you are destined to be hurt by love.

So, you are basically backing off to insure that you never get hurt again. The fact that you are sure that you would be damaged if you ever allowed another person in close is right on target. You would be damaged, not because you are cursed, but because your unconscious mind chooses betraying women.

On some level you know that you cannot count on your unconscious to make a better choice next time around. Why? Read my Advice Archives, and you will see that all humans unconsciously recreate the traumatic relationships of childhood, hoping for a happy ending to the original trauma. If you felt betrayed by someone as a child, then your mind would draw you to a betraying partner.

The unconscious hope being that this time around your love and devotion will make the betrayer become faithful and true. And, when this happens, the original wound will feel healed. But, this doesn't ever work out because once a betrayer, always a betrayer. The leopard can't change its spots.

And, this explains why you want to avoid relationships in the future. Your unconscious knows the futility of this struggle, and so it has chosen to give up on love. To head for the hills and retreat in order to save yourself. But, isn't there another answer? To work through your original trauma and break free of the compulsion to recreate the past?

Then, you won't keep being drawn to betrayers. So, as I see it you can escape the issue and struggle to stay alone forever, or you can face the issue that I raise head on and heal it. If you choose the second option, you won't need to fight to stay alone for the rest of your life. You will heal your original wound and finally find the love you have always craved.

So your choice becomes, spend your energy running from unhealthy love or devote your energy to healing your wound so that you can find healthy love.

I hope you face the issue head on. Let me know what you decide.

- Doctor Love

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