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Concerns About Boyfriend's Sexuality

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 01/15/2001 - 7:00pm
January 15, 2001

Question

Hi Dr. Love

I have recently started dating a wonderful and kind man for about 2 months. When I initially met him, my impression was that he was not extremely masculine, yet he is not extremely feminine either. He is very layed back and soft spoken and has various interests such as cooking, plants, as well as sports like soccer and biking.

He will be 28 and i am 30. He has not had alot of relationships (dating 2 women) throughout his adult life and soon after we started dating he disclosed that he was still a virgin. We have since had sexual relations and he appears to be into having sex and seems to be very natural at it despite his lack of experience. He is a wonderful man and I like him very much, but I can't shake the concern that he may have homosexual tendencies.

His brother is gay. I realize that this does not mean anything and nothing he has done specifically makes me feels this way, other than some of his mannerisms. I have dated a couple of men in the past, and after the relationship had ended, had people tell me that they thought they were gay. I hate that I have this concern, but am afraid that I will fall for him and find out that he may be gay down the road.

He appears to be really invested in this relationship and has told me that he loves me. He is also very affectionate. Should I express my concerns to him? I don't want to hurt him and everything else about him is exactly what I would want in a man. I feel like I am being silly and worrying too much about what other people's opinion about him is. How should i approach this?

Thank you very much for your time.


Answer

You are in a tough spot You say that other people have told you that they thought that your previous boyfriends may have been gay. I assume that they are also telling you their suspicions about your current boyfriend Did you ever find out that your past lovers were, in fact, gay?

If so, I could understand your fear that you have an attraction to gay men. Since you didn't say your past lovers turned out to be gay, I will simply assume that you are attracted to androgynous men.

Androgynous men have a nice blend of male and female qualities, which, according to studies, is actually linked to relationship and marital satisfaction. When a man is in touch with him feminine side, he is usually better able to handle the emotional side of a relationship. And relationship satisfaction is greatly linked to how well a man handles the emotional side of the relationship.

My next point is that a man can be androgynous and not be gay. However, since all human beings are actually bisexual by nature, your guy surely has homosexual urges, just like every other man does.

The big question is, does he feel the desire to act on these urges? Does he feel the need to have sexual encounters with men? Is he happy to only be sexual with a woman? If you are concerned, then you are probably going to need to talk with him.

The question is how can you broach the subject without offending him. I think that you might find it safer to begin by speaking in general terms about the universality of homosexual urges. Then you might talk about your own, then ask about his. If you are having a mutual discussion, it should go over better than if you point the finger at his ego and grill him for disclosures.

If you feel like being direct, you could move from the general discussion to a more specific talk about your own fears of being left. You might soften the blow by saying how much you care about him and how devastated you'd be if he left you.

- Doctor Love

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