Confused

Your husband 's behavior is clear. He hasn't let go of his ex. He says he doesn't want to get back with her, and yet everything he does indicates that she is his first priority. He lies to her and pretends that he's separated from you.

He won't let you answer the phone, in case she's calling, not to hurt her feelings. What about your feelings! Your husband is saying in words and actions that this woman and her feelings come ahead of you. You are reading his behavior correctly. Now the question is what do you want to do about it?

Before you take action, you need to be clear on how far you are willing to take this battle. Do you want to insist that he put you first and are you willing to give him up if he doesn't? When you are clear on where you stand and how far you are willing to go, then you can take a stand with him.

If you are willing to take this matter to the mat, then you can insist that he begin couples therapy with you. If he isn't willing to do so, then you must decide if you are willing to remain in this second class position. If you are willing to settle for this second class status, then you would be wise to talk to a therapist and find out why you are willing to settle for so little.

Once you are clear on what you will and won't tolerate, you will be in a better position to put his foot to the fire and make him take responsibility for his behavior and the message he is sending you, which is very degrading to say the least.