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Confused as Hell

Submitted by jamie on Wed, 01/06/2010 - 11:14pm
in
January 6, 2010

Question
Hey Doc, I am a 29 year old male with no kids who is and has been interested in a 28 year old female with four kids. We started flirting around September 2009 but it never really went past friendship. During October - December me   and her remained flirting friends but I noticed this guy that we work with was always around her so I asked her what was going on with them and she said "we're trying to be a couple." I was shocked because she didn't tell me  but thought, oh well, let me move on to the next.   Curious as hell, I asked her what made her choose him over me and she said "He came on stronger. He made it obvious that he wanted me." I was lost because I thought that I was being aggressive enough, but I didn't want to suffocate  her. She said to me recently " So are you gonna come on strong or what. You never told me that you wanted to be my man?" So I said of course I want to be your man. Why do you think that I am always flirting with you and trying to  take you out. So she said, "We'll let me get out of my current situation and we'll go from there."   This was a month ago and she is still not out of her current situation but we are still flirting. She even had dinner with me New Year's Eve and gave me a big kiss. But there's still this void between us. She hasn't called me in the past two days and now I'm just confused as ever. I don't know if I should continue to chase her or just tell her we need to just be friends. Pleeease help! Thanks.  

Answer
If we are to believe what this woman has told you, then the reason she went with the other man is because she wants to be pursued. The guy who won her is the one who came on strong. On the other hand, from what she's told you, she seems to prefer you.   It is true that a woman wants to know that a man is willing to fight for her. This is actually a biologically driven urge rooted in the need to test whether a man will be a good provider to her and the offspring that she will bear him. If he cares enough to fight hard to win her then a woman feels more willing to give herself to him because he has shown himself to committed and therefore more likely to stick around for the long haul.   If she is testing your level of devotion, then she is waiting to see that you aren't giving up on her.  To convey your devotion, you can take one of two approaches. The first is more subtle. You could tell her, "You said you were going to break up and come to me. I'm wondering why you haven't made the move. Are you waiting to see if I will keep on pursuing you until you do?"   The second approach is less subtle. Based on what you've quoted her saying to you, I have the sense that she would appreciate the less subtle approach. With this approach, you would literally impersonate a Neanderthal and all but knock her over the head with a club and drag her back to your cave. The Neanderthal man would say you are tired of waiting for her to make herself free for you. You want her to be yours and you want her now.   All this being said, I am concerned that this woman may be into games. It seems like she may be boosting her ego by inducing men to chase after her. If she needs this kind of pursuit in order to build up her ego, then your work will be far from over even after you win her. If I am right, and I hope I'm not, she'll always be trying to make you jealous and flirt with other guys in order to make you prove that you still want her. The only way you're going to find out if this is true is to take the plunge, go for broke and let time tell.  

Good luck. I hope for your sake that all she wants is a little more proof of your devotion to tip the scales. 

- Doctor Love

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