Confused, Hurt, and Disappointed in IN

You are in a really tight spot. You attribute your husband's lack of sex drive to the fact that he played himself out before marrying you: the result being that his tank is empty. Whether your theory is correct or not, the fact still remains that he seems to be without much sex drive.

I am afraid that both of you didn't make your sexual expectations explicit. You assumed that he was like you: chomping at the bit for sex, and waiting to unleash his desires once he was married. This disaster you are living can help you to learn something very important about yourself: that you need to be more direct in communicating your expectations, and in making sure that your assumptions are correct and shared by your partner. Learning how to do this will spare you much heartache in the future.

Had you verbalized your expectations while you were dating, I think you would have found out sooner rather than later that you have chosen a man who has a low sex drive. This explains his willingness to forego sex throughout your courtship.

The question now becomes what can you do? You both need to lay your cards on the table. You need to find out if it's true that his drive was always low. If it wasn't always low, then you will want to determine when his drive went downhill. Is he suffering from depression or a health problem such as diabetes, low thryoid and/or adrenal function, or perhaps low testosterone levels? If he can link the dwindling desire to a specific time or event, then you are on the path to deciphering the cause of the problem and finding a cure for it.

If his drive was always low, then what you see is what you get. If this turns out to be true, then you will be faced with the hard decision of whether you are willing to remain married to a man whose drive is so different from yours. If he is willing to accomodate you by offering you other, nonintercourse forms of pleasure, even when he isn't in the mood, you might be able to live with his low drive.

If he isn't willing to accomodate you, then you will need to study whether emotional issues are dampening his desires. His reluctance to have intercourse may be caused by a fear of intimacy or a passive-aggressive personality disorder in which he expresses anger toward you by withholding what you want the most.

This is not an easy problem to solve. Tackle the issue in a logical, step-by-step fashion and you will decipher the cause of his lack of desire. If he has a low sex drive by nature, then work to arrive at an accommodation that suits you both. If his problem is medical and/or emotional, then address and resolve these issues.

You do deserve a satisfying sex life. Stay true to your needs.