Confused in Maine

Your question is short but complicated. You say your wife isn't interested in sex and that she doesn't make you a priority. The real problem here is that she isn't responsive to your feelings. She basically tells you, 'like it or lump it. ' It's impossible to make a marriage work when both partners aren't willing to look at what they are and aren't doing to make the marriage hum.

Her response to you so far has been far from satisfying. She is telling you that she isn't about to change, so you have to decide if you are willing to remain married to someone who is unresponsive to you. You are probably quite used to people not caring about your needs. I would guess you grew up with parents who didn't respond to you, which would explain why you have married someone like your wife: your unconscious programming tells you that it's 'normal' to be frustrated by those close to you.

The fact is that you should feel that you and your needs are valuable to your wife. Your wife has your number and knows that you will continue to accept her crumbs and stick with her no matter what. This means that she has no reason to change. The only hope you have of getting her to modify her ways is for you yourself to grow to the point that you believe that you deserve better and won't tolerate less than you deserve. If she feels the shift in you and knows that you are have grown healthy enough to leave her and find a better partner, she will probably begin to change her ways--that is if she wants to maintain the marriage.

Keep in mind that your wife's unresponsiveness may be caused by her own unresolved emotional baggage. The fact that she gets excited when she's asleep tells me that she is conflicted about her own sexuality. When she is asleep, the normal inhibitions that operate during waking hours soften. When her defenses are down during sleep she feels more able to give in to her desires, which are not acceptable to her during waking hours. Her avoidance of sex with has more to do with her own sexual conflicts than anything else.

If you can grow to the point that you really believe that you deserve more, your own growth may be what's needed to force her to take a look at her own problems. Until she feels backed into the corner, I am afraid that business will continue as usual.