Home › This is a Doozy

This is a Doozy

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 06/04/2001 - 7:00pm
in
June 4, 2001

Question

Dear Dr. Love:

I am a great fan of your advice, and I need some of your superb wisdom. This is a doozy, so hold on.

I met a woman through friends last July. We had both been hurt by less than admirable partners. She had a 4 yearold, the father never married her, was controlling and not loyal to the relationship. She had moved out on her own 8 months before. We hit it off immediately and had a fantastic soul connecting relationship until Nov when her ex started with 'I've got cancer and won't see my son much longer etc etc. '

She became confused, called me out of the blue and broke it off. I received a letter from her a few weeks later explaining what happened, that she was in love with me but felt a loyalty to him for the 6 years they ewere together. I didnt hear anything else for a month. I gave up. She called in January with I still love you scenario.

We talked for weeks before I took her back. She owed me money, (not much) and had a house key she never returned (holding on to the relationship). She did it again 3 weeks ago. She had lost her job in February, and my financial and emotional support got her through. We were talking about marraige, living together, etc. I lent her more money, and she pledged to pay it back with her tax return (she is a successful professional sales person. She started a new job in April, a very good one. Well, she lied about filing it. . . she said she had to refile in April because the electronic file didnt go through. She had gotten her check March 6 and lied about it.

This woman came from a broken home. . . father alcoholic, mother drinker with too many boyfriends. She has been on her own since 18, has no contact with her family at all and doesn't know where her father is (A Vet, I just found him) She always wished for family contact, but would not pick up the phone and take the first step. She is intelligent, lucid, focused and a wonderful woman. . . but stress literally flips her out. She was saying she doesn't have time for her son, herself, doesn't want to be a hardship on me etc.

A week before this she gave me a card saying how much she loved me and was truly blessed to have me in her life. She now owes me more money, we have keys to each others' homes, we have a good deal of each others' belongings. In 3 weeks she has made no effort to contact me and clean up the loose ends. She has always been a bit emotional, and blames it on PMS. If you knew her, you might understand the behavior a bit more. But it is still outrageous,

She has a host of unresolved issues that go back to childhood, and I feel that by associateion, I got lumped into the mix of men that had hurt her. How do you go from being a blessing to not being at all in a week. I. . . am confused. Help!!! I should mention that I am 41 years old and she is 34. . . we are not kids.

We are both educated professionals (I know. . . doesn't guarantee common sense) I am 6' 4' and she is 5'9'. . . both attractive good people. . . there is no desperation. . . only a tremendous lack of understanding. Thank you for your insight


Answer

Thanks for the kind words about my advice to others. Let's hope that my answer to you hits the spot.

In order for you to understand how your girlfriend could make such a rapid, 180 degree shift toward you, I need to give you a crash course in psychopathology. Your girlfriend is suffering from a borderline personality disorder. The borderline person's psyche is immature, especially when it comes to dealing with angry feelings.

When angered, the mature person is able to sustain his/her loving feelings toward the person who made him/her mad. The storm passes and the loving feelings and the relationship go on. The borderline's psyche isn't mature enough to tolerate angry feelings toward his/her partner, and when such feelings arise, the person who offended is seen as all bad. A black and white kind of thinking takes over and the borderline will often 'kill off' the offender.

Since borderlines view the world in black and white terms, their relationships are always characterized by an over-idealization in the early stages, followed by a complete shift in favor of devaluation when they are disappointed or angered. Some borderlines don't completely kill-off or discard their partners when they feel let-down. Instead, they throw fits of anger and verbally trash their partners.

If the partner tolerates the storm, the relationship may endure. More commonly, the relationship ends when the borderline, in a fit of rage, discards the 'all bad' partner. In order to protect yourself from forming a connection with another borderline, you want to run from anyone who never seems to have angry feelings toward you or sees you as perfect (a sign that you may be with a borderline who is over-idealizing you, at least in the beginning). You also want to avoid someone who has a history of walking out on relationships, always because the other person turned out to be 'bad. '

Finally, you want to be wary of someone who has killed off family members and/or friends, which could be a sign of splitting. In the future, make sure that you have 'tested' your potential partner's skills at handling angry feelings. Before becoming deeply involved, and surely before you shack up, be certain that your potential partner knows how to handle her angry feelings: That means that she can describe what you said or did to anger her, and that she can state what type of behavior she would appreciate from you in the future.

Sorry you had to go through this trauma. This shouldn't happen to you again, now that you are armed with information on how to recognize a borderline.

- Doctor Love

Did you find this article helpful, informative, inspiring?

If so, please help me keep this site alive and growing by spreading the word to others or checking out my books and programs. You can:

  • Share this

Syncrohearts Board Game