Evil Prude

You have given me a lot of clues as to the nature of your problem. You say that you can have orgasms when you masturbate, which means that your sex drive and sexual performance are just fine when you are alone.

The fact that you don't have desire for sex with your husband, and the fact that you can't achieve orgasm with him makes me wonder if you have an inhibition. An inhibition is an unconscious defense mechanism that is designed to protect the self from danger.

You may wonder what your mind believes is dangerous about letting go sexually with your husband. That is something you need to figure out. You gave me a clue as to the origin of this inhibition when you referred to yourself as a prude. A prude is someone who is sexually repressed or inhibited, but again, notice, you are only inhibited with him.

In order to figure out why you feel that it's too dangerous to let go with him, you need to dig into your memory bank. Go back as far as you can remember and see if you can come up with the reason for your reaction.

I can give a few possible reasons why a woman might need to turn off her sexuality when in the presence of another: One cause can stem from your early teens, when you began to develop sexually. Many women recall having felt uneasy that their father or brothers were attracted to them. In order to save themselves (and their male relatives) the discomfort, these women found ways to turn off their sexuality, either by hiding their bodies, becoming heavy, or just turning off that part of the self.

Another reason for holding back with your partner can be traced to a fear of being devastated if and when your partner leaves you through abandonment or death. Holding back is actually a form of emotional insulation. If you don't give your all--by holding back sexually--your mind may think that it is protecting you from disappointment down the line.

Last, but not least, women who have been sexually molested often find themselves unable to sexually respond to another person. I have to note that you signed your letter the evil prude. If you study the meaning behind the word 'evil' you will realize that there is a hostile or angry intention behind that word. This choice of word makes me wonder if your unconscious mind is releasing aggression by refusing to respond sexually.

Withholding behavior, including withholding of sexual response, is often an indirect expression of anger. What you need to figure out is why you would want to express your anger this way. Were you sexually molested and is this your form of payback? Are you passive-aggressive, meaning that you don't express your anger directly, and then you get even by withholding what your partner wants most?

I have given you a lot of avenues to explore. Follow each one and you will have the answer to your question.