Fed Up

Whenever I hear someone ask me what he/she "should" do, a chill runs up my spine. This is because no life decisions should be driven by the word should. Should is a word that springs from the part of the psyche called the super-ego or conscience. Guilt is the emotion that springs from this part of the psyche. What you want to be figuring out isn't what you should do but what you want to do. Let me explain more fully.

It seems to me your confusion stems from a conflict that exists among the various parts of your psyche. Keep in mind that the psyche is composed of three separate branches: The Id, the Superego and the ego. When all parts work together in harmony, like is smooth. Unfortunately, it is is common for these various factions to war with each other because each part of the psyche wants different outcomes.

First let's talk about your Id. The id operates according to the pleasure principle: seek pleasure/avoid pain. At one time your boyfriend was surely a source of a lot of joy and pleasure. It may be the "id" or instinctual part of your psyche that may be urging you to stay with your boyfriend. You probably don't want to give up the hope of resurrecting this pleasure and happiness. (It is also very possible that you are recreating with him earlier childhood patterns of abuse and neglectNeglect occurs when you or your partner ignore the other person's needs, feelings and wishes. Neglecting someone is the ultimate expression of anger, a way of punishing the other by withholding,...(Click for full definition.) in the hopes of healing these wounds. See my articles on Unfinished Business and Repetition Compulsion.)

You are also being governed by the super-ego or conscience portion of your psyche. This part of your mind is guilting you into doing what it thinks you should. Perhaps this part of your psyche is telling you to do the right thing and stay with your first love; perhaps this part of your brain is telling you that you can't abandon someone who is HIV positive.

What is missing in the internal discussion is what we call the ego portion of your psyche. Keep in mind that the real meaning of this word has nothing to do with its popular use, which refers to conceit or lack of humility. In psychological terms, the ego is the executive branch of the psyche, kind of like your internal CEO. You can tell when the ego is speaking when you hear yourself talking about what you want to do. Your ego knows that he isn't treating you properly. Your ego knows that he isn't meeting your needs. Your ego knows that this relationship as it stands isn't healthy. Your ego knows what you don't want. It also knows what you do want! Ask yourself to tell you what you want to do. Not what you should do!

Do you want to fight for the relationship? Put your foot down and demand that he work on it with you or it's over?

When you figure out what you want, you will know how to proceed. The point is you never want to ask me or anyone else to tell you what you should do! Flesh out what you want and then go for it!