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Feeling Stuck

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 06/21/2004 - 7:00pm
in
June 21, 2004

Question

I feel stuck. The reason why I feel stuck and can't move on is because of the way my last realtionship ended. The relationship was ended by her and her reason was the following: I need time to myself for once in my life because I have been in a couple of relationships for long periods of time and haven't been able to breathe and figure out who I am and have not been able to do exactly what I want.

I think what she wants to do is a beautiful thing and can understand that she is not able to give 100% to me now because of her feelings of personal non-fulfillment. However, she continues to tell me that she loves me and that she can defintely see herself marrying me.

Before me she got out of a 5 year relationhip that was somewhat controlling and then no sooner after that one she met me. We both beleive that we are amazing for each other but it is just bad timing right now.

It is just so hard to move on because we know that it is bad timing (I being ready for a relationship and her not). We have decided to remain friends but I know it's going to be hard.

Should we remain friends? She told me that it would bother her if she were to ever see me with another woman and I know it would bother me vice versa. I can't help but feel stuck becuase of the encouraging things she says about me and us and our future. I always hear her say 'I believe in fate' and 'if we are meant to be it will happen'. It would be so much easier if I had something to be mad about but I don't.

Right now I feel the only way I can shadow the pain I am feeling now is to be with other women. There is no way I want to have anything serious with anyone else because I know my ex is the one.

But I am too young and too good of a man to be feeling all this pain. I have made myself beleive that I need to date casualy to fill the void. There is no doubt that I will be honest about what I am looking for with any women I meet.

I am just stuck and confused and am looking for some third party professional relief. Thank you for your time and believe it or not typing this letter out makes me feel a little better at the moment.


Answer

What a clearly written letter. I totally understand your predicament. You believe that your ex. is the one and you, which makes it very difficult for you to move. What's more, when she continues to tell you that she loves you and that she can definitely see herself marrying you that surely fans the flames of your love and keeps you tied to her.

Obviously drowning your pain by sleeping with other women isn't an answer. Using sex to numb yourself is the same thing as using alcohol or other substances to dull your pain.

I would also like to point out to her that finding oneself isn't incompatible with being in a relationship. She said that in her past relationships she hasn't been able to breathe and figure out who she is and determine what she wants. It wasn't the relationship, in and of itself, that stifled her.

Healthy relationships aren't stifling, so I would have to say that she was stifled either because she choose to be with someone who was invasive and/or she doesn't know how to set limits for herself.

The point is, running from relationships isn't going to solve her problem. She needs to learn how to be herself when she's in a relationship not out of one!

I would point this out to her and tell her that if she loves you so much that you encourage her to work on being herself while she's with you. If she doesn't take this offer, then what you need to do is set a time limit for yourself. Give her a fixed amount of time to 'find herself.'

You can even ask her to set the end date, which will feel like you are actually encouraging her process of self discovery. If she isn't ready to come back to you by this end date, then you will need to move on.

I hope for your sake that she comes around. Please let me know what happens.

- Doctor Love

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