First Relationship and Breakup

First off, I apologize that this is quite lengthy, but I want to explain as best as I can, so if you would be so kind as to read it and share any thoughts, that would be wonderful. Thank you in advance for any help you can give.

I guess I'll start off with some background information. I am a freshman halfway through my first year at college. Over my past four years in high school, I've occasionally thought about having a relationship with someone, but every time I'd always come back to the same conclusion. I thought that I was too busy and involved with activities and school to have time, or that I wasn't ready for that sort of thing yet because I was still figuring out who I was as an individual, and that I wouldn't know how to act or what to do. There was no one that I really felt much of a connection to, even when I considered the possibility as well. I continued this line of thinking up until my senior year and didn't know if having a girlfriend was worth it at that point in my life, but I was wrong.

So, moving onMoving on refers to letting go of a prior relationship. The term usually implies a working through or resolution that enables a person to progress or move on to a new level of functioning.: This spring in February, I went to the musical that my high school performs annually, and this time it was Cinderella. After the play when I was driving home a weird longing/melancholy feeling came over me and remained for the next couple of days and I had no idea why at first. Even though I have a bunch of things going for me, everything suddenly seemed so trivial and meaningless. It felt like I had somehow done it all wrong, that there was something missing. The girl who played Cinderella in the play kept popping into my mind and I finally realized that maybe she was the reason. I know it's really cliche, but just like in the play, the guy sees the girl for the first time and instantly has an attraction even though he barely knows her, and that happened to me I guess.

I didn't really know her at all, even though we go to the same school because I went to a high school with over 2000 kids, but I was friends with several people that she was also friends with, so I asked one of them about her. This mutual friend thought that the girl would be interested in meeting me and thought that we would make a good fit. I found out more about her and found out that she was three years younger than I was, but had skipped a grade; so she was a sophomore and I was a senior. I realized that immediately this would make things very complicated, but I knew I'd regret it if I never gave myself the chance. So I took the risk and started talking to her one day and after a few days I asked her out on a date. She said yes and we had a great time, and the more time I spent with her, the more and more I liked her. We had been going on dates for about a two months or so, and I was really falling for her. She seemed to have it all, she was cute, smart, funny, outgoing, the whole deal. Everything seemed to fall into place, like I  finally figured out what life was all about. I know that a relationship isn't the only thing in life, but I realized how important a part it was. I wanted to show her how I felt about her and confirm my feelings so I asked her to be my girlfriend to make our relationship official. She said yes and I was very happy.

It was perfect until a week later when I went over to her house to pick her up for an outdoor play we were going to see. We were just sitting in her house hanging out talking for a little bit before we were going to leave, when out of the blue she said that "we need to talk". I was very surprised and immediately my heart sank because that phrase never turns out well. She was visibly upset and tearing up and said that she really liked me, but she wasn't ready for a relationship. I had no idea, and it wasn't as if she had been giving signs that I just wasn't picking up on either, it was as if a switch had just suddenly been flipped. I couldn't figure out how so suddenly her feelings could just stop like that. It was as if the last two months had never even happened, and all the time we spent together was just a mistake; a misunderstanding.

I was devastated. I couldn't find anything that had happened recently that would cause her to switch so suddenly. We were basically already in a relationship, just without the formal title of "boyfriend" and "girlfriend," we would do things about every week and talk almost every day. So I couldn't understand how the title would make things so different, it wasn't as if anything would suddenly change because of a title. It just felt so unfair. The way she talked, it seemed like the problem was not me, but she wasn't ready for a romantic relationship with anyone at that point. When I was dating her, I purposely took things extra slow. Since she was younger than me, I made sure to be extra careful and respectful. I wasn't forward at all during the whole time in regards to the physical side, and I never gave off signs that I was expecting anything of the sort, and didn't try to do anything either. For me, I care more about just spending time with her and being with her than doing anything more physical. I guess I follow the "nice guy" mentality.

She said that she really liked me and hanging out with me and that she really wanted to stay friends. I was pretty devastated and didn't know what to do. I talked to her to try to understand exactly what was upsetting her or overwhelming her to make her decide that, but I never really got a good answer. I explained exactly how I felt about her and how much she meant to me, but it didn't seem to sway her mind. I was pretty depressed and gloomy for a while, probably mostly because it was my first experience with a relationship. It was like I realized there was a big hole in my life, and I found the right person to be with, and then it slips right through my fingers and there's nothing I could do about it.

I wanted to take her in my arms and wash away the fear and sadness. There's that old saying, "it's better to have loved and lost, than never loved at all," but I didn't really believe it before. How could this pain be better than how I felt a few months ago before I even met you? But as I was lyingA lie (also called prevarication, falsehood) is a known untruth expressed as truth. A lie is a type of deception in the form of an untruthful statement, especially with the intention to deceive...(Click for full definition.) in my bed one night, I realized that that brief period of joy I had with her, even if it was only a couple of months, was worth it. When I was with her, I felt as happy as I've ever been. Just being able to spend time with her, and look into her eyes, I wouldn't trade that for anything. For that short time,  everything felt right. I felt like I had finally understood what I had been missing.

When she told me, it was the beginning of June, and over the next few months I seemed to be gradually getting better and working through it. I did talk to her a few times via IM, and we both initiated conversations, because I didn't want to be a jerk and never talk to her again (even though breaking off contact may have made it easier some people have told me), seeing as she said that she really wanted to stay friends and talk to me still. It was hard though, because it wasn't a bad breakup, or a situation in which we were mad at each other or fought or anything, so I still obviously have feelings for her.

Then August rolled around and all the chaos that comes with moving into college began. Moving in and meeting new people and everything else that comes with starting out college really helped to take my mind off of it. She'd cross my mind sometimes, but I'd move on to something else. But then after about a month or so, I started settling in and everything calmed down. And then she started coming back into my mind more and more. It's the same cycle, over and over again: pain, regret, optimism, and nostalgia. Some days I'll feel as carefree as I did before I even met her, confident and excited about what's to come, but then some days that sinking feeling of reality sets in again.

I went through a couple rough weeks at that point, but I've made some progress in regards to it all. After giving it a lot of thought, I now realize that the age difference was probably the main factor in what caused her to stop it. She is now a junior in high school, and I'm starting college, so I can understand that she was probably overwhelmed about having to deal with it all, and trying to have a relationship with someone who's in college. I'm sure her parents had something to say about it as well, seeing that she is three years younger than me. The only thing about that is that whenever I would see or talk to her parents, they always seemed so nice and accepting, and never hinted that they had any issue with our relationship. It wasn't as if I was some kid barely making it through school who they didn't want to trustMutual trust is a shared belief that you can depend on each other to achieve a common purpose. More comprehensively trust defined as "the willingness of a party (trustor) to be vulnerable to the...(Click for full definition.) their daughter with. (sorry I'm not trying to brag here, but I want to give you some reference) I ranked 4th in my graduating class of 500 and was selected as the "Renaissance Man of the Year" (an award that goes to the student with the best combination of grades, service, extracurriculars, and character), and her parents always seemed happy to have me around and her mom especially treated me like "the boyfriend." I understand that we are in two different points in our lives, and that it would be difficult for her. I'm going to a school in the same city as we both live, but still it'd be complicated. I can understand where she is coming from if I was in her situation, but I wouldn't have given up like that if I like the person so much. I guess it comes down to her not feeling quite the same way about me as I do for her, I just don't know.

People say that "everything happens for a reason" meaning that it fell apart because someone better is waiting just around the corner or something of the sort. I wish I could believe that. I wish it were that simple; to always have that effortless optimism pushing you on, but it's not true. I personally do not believe in some divine plan or fate that is guiding our lives, I think that we make our own paths. And I guess that's what makes it so hard, to know just how close I was, and that it didn't work. "There are plenty of fish in the sea," people will say. Maybe that's true, but that doesn't mean that it will be easy to find the one I'm looking for. When you've found someone who makes it work, who fits perfectly, and then they're gone, it's hard to just move on and start over. I know this may sound petty compared to people who have been married or longer relationships with bigger problems, but I've never been through this before, so it's still the toughest thing I've dealt with.

So here I am now, in December and she still comes to my mind daily. I've been doing better, but it's still hard, because I really would like that connection to someone you care so much about. I really liked her, even loved her, and even though I've been trying to keep my eyes open here at my college, I haven't really found anyone who I've felt a similar connection to. I still deeply care for her and I wish something could work out, but I feel that, really no matter what I want, until she's older and graduates high school, I can't really do anything except stay friends. That's what she asked for, and that's what I've been trying to do, but even that is difficult. When we were dating, we would IM or text or talk nearly every day, but it would be weird to do that now, so I've been trying to talk to her every several days or so to keep in touch. I don't really know the best way to approach communicating now or what to do. In some ways I'd like to just get past it and move on, and hope that I'll find another person who I will connect with just as much. But another part of me doesn't want to let go, and still hopes that in the future something will happen between us. I'm just not sure anymore. I guess the hardest thing is just not knowing how she feels about it all. I was pretty upfront with my feelings when she broke it off back those months ago, but she never really explained any reasons for why she did it, and never said that much about her feelings. I sent her a fairly long heartfelt letter in early July telling her how I felt and what I was thinking and everything else, because we hadn't talked in a while and I guess I wanted her to know how I felt. But her reply just sort of restated what she said before and she never has really said her own feelings or how she feels about me or the relationship since we broke up, so I have no idea how she feels now. I don't know if still thinks about me, or if she's over it. I just don't know, and I'm afraid to bring something up about our relationship or ask her if she thinks there would ever be a chance in the future of something happening, because we've just recently in the past month or so started communicating more regularly (just as friends, but still). If she just would have asked, I would have waited for her until she felt ready for a relationship, but she didn't.

I'm not really sure exactly what I'm even asking, but I guess any advice or help you can offer would be appreciated in what I could do, or how to handle any interaction with her in the future. Thank you very much.

Signed: Confused in College