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Flirting Fanatic

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 12/18/2000 - 8:00pm
December 18, 2000

Question

Dear Dr. Turndorf,

My question comes in two parts. 1) I am a flirt, completely, and unabashed. When I do flirt, just about all the women I flirt with flirt back, and the context seems to be light and jovial. My question is this, could I be flirting too much and thus losing credibility as a possible relationship candidate? 2) At what point, if the flirting is mutual, do I ask for the date?

Where I come from (cognitively) just because a women flirts back doesn't mean that she wants to date me. I flirt to look for signals but I guess I have a dyslexic heart.

What kind of signals should I be looking for?

Oh, and one other thought, could my flirting habit actually be a self-defense mechanism to keep people at arms length? Is it possible that I should drop the entire flirting thing from my repitoire since it never seems to get past that point anyway?


Answer

I think that your questions to me are more like statements of facts that you already know.

Rather than being so concrete and looking for techniques, rules and steps, why not find out why you are flirting, what purpose it serves and how you think you would feel if you gave it up.

You suggest that you use it to keep people at arms'length. If so, do you know why? Are you afraid to be hurt, rejected? What?

You said that you flirt to look for signals. I assume you mean that your flirting may have initially been designed to test the waters and protect you from being rejected. If she flirted back, then you figured it was safe to move in closer.

Unfortunately, your game backfired. Now you can't be sure whether you are receiving real green lights or whether the player is being played.

When you resolve the issues that are causing the flirting, then you will be able to see the forest from the trees. When you approach in a more authentic way, you will be able to step back and watch for open, approachable body language, eye contact and smiles.

But, don't even think about giving up the flirting until you identify and resolve its causes. Otherwise, you will feel like a dating fish out of water.

- Doctor Love

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