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Frustrated

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 01/29/2001 - 7:00pm
in
January 29, 2001

Question

Dear Dr. Turndorf, have a problem that has been bothering me for some time now and I was hoping you could help me find an answer.

I am a 21 year-old male who has always considered himself to be heterosexual. I have had successful relationships with women, both emotionally and physically, and dating has always been a high priority to me. From reading some of your advice columns, I suppose I'd be pegged as 'androgynous:' I tend to be more sensitive, sometimes to a fault, and take a strong interest in the arts and music.

A couple of months ago, I acquired this paranoia about homosexuality- suddenly I was afraid of being gay, even though I have never identified myself as such. I became very depressed and thought about it all the time, not necessarily about men, but just about the issue itself. As I thought about it more, I started having occasional sexual fantasies about men, which bothered me a lot. I have never had any encounter with a man, and don't wish to act on these fantisies.

Now, I've come to terms with the fact that maybe I have bisexual tendencies, which as you say, is perfectly normal. While your words about bisexuality are comforting to an extent, I just can't seem to move past the idea. I'm not really fantasizing about men anymore, but I'm extremely homophobic right now, and good-looking men make me nervous, gay and straight. There are also plenty of other factors: I'm under a lot of stress at school, my parents moved from my hometown, I'm having trouble connecting with friends, particularly guys. Maybe worst of all, my relationships with women in the past year have been terrible, when existent. As if that 's not enough, I have a history of depression, as well as signs of OCD, seasonal affective and social anxiety disorder.

I just want to move on with my relationships without worrying about this gay/bisexual issue. I don't want to second guess myself when I meet a nice girl and I don't want to feel like I'm hiding something. I'm seeing a therapist now, but I'm really not sure which place to start. Obviously, This is quite a bit, and I know that you're not going to solve my problems in an email- I think I just want a little direction from someone who has experience with this issue. Maybe help me understand why I'm so homophobic, or how to come to terms with these thoughts without being forced to accept a sexual identity that really isn't me.

Also, directing me towards some books would be nice, maybe the nature of sexuality and the idea that humans are innately bisexual.

If you could write me back, I would really appreciate it. Thanks.


Answer

You have asked me to help you understand your newly developed homophobia. To understand why you have developed this fear, you need to understand a bit about unconscious defense mechanisms.

Defenses protect the self from dangerous or threatening feelings, wishes or urges. There are hundreds of defenses that the unconscious may employ in order to protect the self. Common defenses include avoidance and denial, which are self-explanatory. Displacement occurs when anger is redirected away from the actual object of one's anger and onto other persons or objects that are safer. For example, a man is mad at his boss (it's too dangerous to direct anger at one's boss), so he comes home and yells at his wife (a safer target).

Other defenses consist of saying or doing the opposite of an unacceptable wish. For example, a person may say, 'No offense but. . . ' which really means brace yourself, here comes an offensive remark. You are in the grips of a defense that is called reaction formation in which your mind is going to the opposite extreme in order to conceal its wishes.

By becoming homophobic, your mind is rejecting your homosexual urges, which are clearly very threatening to you. I belong to a professional supervision group in which therapists from around the country present cases. These therapists have been psychoanalyzed themselves and are comfortable with all their feelings, sexual and aggressive. It is common for me to hear group members communicate their feelings of attraction for same sex group members. Keep in mind that none of these people are practicing homosexuals.

My point is that you need to be helped to be comfortable with your thoughts, feelings, and fantasies. They are fine. You just aren't fine with them. I think that you may be finding it hard to accept your feelings because you have trouble separating feelings from actions (you think that if you allow yourself to embrace your homosexual urges that you will need to act on them).

Once you are able to separate feelings from actions, you will feel completely free to feel. Until then, you will need to squash your feelings or develop defenses against them So, in answer to your question, focus in therapy on separating feelings from actions. This will help you embrace your homosexual feelings fully.

- Doctor Love

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