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Girfriend Who Finds Intercourse too Painful

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 06/26/2000 - 8:00pm
June 26, 2000

Question

Dear Dr. Turndorf,

I'm a man in my late twenties and have had some serious relationships. One was with a small female (a former gymnast) and my size relative to her taught me how to be a gentle and considerate lovemaker.

About six months ago a virgin had sex with me for the very first time. It was painful for her. Since then we have been making love regularly but the pain has never ceased, despite using lubricants and a variety of techniques to be gentle. She now freezes up and steels herself for sex and it has become a big issue despite our desire to work through it.

As an additional note, she finds using a tampon too painful and uses only pads during her period. At a recent gynecological exam, the nurse practitioner dismissed her concerns as 'normal. 'I asked a friend of mine who is a doctor (though not OB-GYN) and he said it was not normal. She has never had a painless episode of sex and has inadvertently conditioned herself to associate sex with pain. I don't think she ever had any psychological hangups about sex; in fact, our first (pre-intercourse) intimate acts were characterized by almost extreme vaginal wetness on her part as well as intense desire, as well as the first time we had sex.

She has another gynecological exam, mostly at my request, more to just talk with another doctor than anything else. But what is your advice?


Answer

Your girfriend is suffering from a condition called vaginisimus, which is an involuntary contraction of the muscles surrounding the vaginal opening. This condition occurs in 2 to 3 percent of all women. This is a physical condition that is caused by psychological factors.

A woman's vagina can clamp shut due to unresolved emotional issues related to sex, or the clamping can be the result of conditioning. As your doctor friend suggested, your girlfriend may have come to associate intercourse with pain, so her body braces for pain and tightens up at the mere thought of intercourse. You both need to consult a good sex therapist who specializes in treating vaginisimus

. If there are emotional issues affecting her sexual functioning, you will find this out, and the therapist can work with her. The fact that intercourse hurt the very first time, despite the fact that she was well lubricated, makes me wonder if she is riddled with sexual conflicts. Talking this out will help you decipher the mystery.

As you are working on resolving the emotional issues that may be causing her problem, you can begin introducing physical exercises (when she's ready, of course). The sex therapist will probably show her how to relax her vaginal muscles, and then insert a small dilator into her vagina. The size of the dilator is smaller than a finger. She will then be helped to progress to larger and larger dilators. She will continue to use dilators for up to several months, until she is sure that she can accomodate your penis.

Intercourse is usually postponed until the woman is sure of her pain-free status. Then the couple is given instruction on coital techniques so that the woman can control penetration, rhythm, debth of thrusting, and so on.

Don't be discouraged. This problem has a nearly 100 percent success rate.

Let me know how you do.

- Doctor Love

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