Home › Going Absolutley Crazy

Going Absolutley Crazy

Submitted by Anonymous on Tue, 03/05/2002 - 8:00pm
in
March 5, 2002

Question

Dear Dr. Love,

Hi, I am a twenty-one year old in need of some advice. My relationship with my boyfriend of twenty-eight is in a real mess. I have been all over the net trying to find some results and here is the best place!

In the beginning of our relationship he smothered me and I could not even go to the bathroom w/out him following me. This is one example as there are others, believe me.

He is also very jealous and possesive. I told him this was something that I definitely could not live with. He said that things would be better after a while. So I tried and then broke up with him. He would not leave me alone and he fought me to the end of my strength. I gave in and I am now with him a year later.

Things are better now but I think it's cause I am used to not breathing. He tries to tell me to go out but I feel guilty for it and stay here with him. My whole life is about him.

I also have concerns about our sex life. He tells me how great his sex life used to be with all these other girls and with me its all completely different. I have discussed it with him before he always has some excuse why its different with me.

He only likes it one position with me which is from behind. He tries to perform oral and I, due to previous problems can't let him finish so after 20 mins. he just gets mad and starts a fight with me. He told me he used to eat girls out for hours but with me its suddenly different.

It seems I am the only one trying. Why was it so great for him to do different things with the other girls and not me? I am overweight, a size 16. He says all the others were petite.

He is also not very caring when it comes to my feelings he starts arguments and let me tell you I have never seen a man with such anger! I want to leave but there is a sick part of me that stays.

I think he will change I hope he will become what I need. Help Me !!!!!! PLEASE!

Thank you for time Hopefully there is someone out there that won't put me down or my feelings...

Going Absolutley Crazy


Answer

You are being emotionally tortured and abused. First this man smothered you to the point that you left him, then you returned because he promised that life would be better.

He doesn't smother you now, he just puts you down and tells you how sex was better with his previous girlfriends. You have told me why you stay: you keep hoping that he will change.

If you read my Advice Archives under unfinished business and repetition compulsion, you will understand why you don't feel that you can give him up. He surely represents one or both of your parents who I am sure abused you in more ways than I care to imagine.

Abused children grow up and fall in love with abusive life partners. They choose abusers partly because this is familiar territory (we humans like to stick with what we know) and partly because we are hoping to rewrite our histories so that we come out with a happy ending.

When you say that you hope he will change, you are really saying that if you can get him to change that you will feel as though you succeeded in changing your parents. But he isn't going to change because he is a carbon copy of your parents. He's just as damaged as they were and just as incapable of giving you the love that you deserved then and that you deserve now.

The only person who can change is you. Think about what you want for yourself and then ask yourself whether this man is capable of meeting your needs.

If the answer is no, then you have your answer. Either accept him as he is, accept that what you see is what you get or move on.

- Doctor Love

Did you find this article helpful, informative, inspiring?

If so, please help me keep this site alive and growing by spreading the word to others or checking out my books and programs. You can:

  • Share this

Get Your Ex Back With Dr. Love's Relationship Rescue Kit Syncrohearts Board Game