Grudge vs. Forgiveness

It's not my role to tell you to either forgive or to nurse a grudge. It is my role to help you understand why you find yourself in the predicament of being unable to let go of the grudge. With this understanding, you should feel freer to move forward and make your own unconflicted choice. The first thing you need to understand is that whenever we hold on to a feeling, in this case the feeling of resentment, and 'can't' let go, that feeling is being fueled by an unresolved childhood wound.

Perhaps an example will help you see what I mean. Let's say I am at a store and a salesperson looks down her nose at me and talks to me like I'm stupid. Let's say that my father used to do the same thing to me. A person without my history, would shrug off the incident, thinking what a jerk the salesperson is. By contrast, the person with my history will experience a disproportionately strong emotional reaction, a reaction that doesn't quit. I will be enraged, maybe for more than a day. Unless I can make the conscious link between my past and the current reality and say to myself, 'Oh yeah, the salesperson reminds me of my father,' I will find it hard to shake my feelings.

The tricky thing is that most times our minds link present events with past wounds without our knowing it. All we are aware of are the feelings, which actually block our minds from thinking clearly and making the links that we need to make. What you need to understand is that the reason why you can't shake the grudge is because your boyfriend's refusal to immediately come around and be your exclusive partner has awakened a childhood wound of yours. To figure of what wound you are nursing, you must link past and present. To do this, ask yourself, 'How does my current grudge echo my childhood wounds? Who forced me to fight and beg for attention or love and seemed to never come through?'

I would imagine that you felt wounded by a parent who neglected you. The result is that you are living with a lot of buried hurt and anger. This buried anger is linked to why your mind doesn't want to drop the grudge. To figure out what your mind hopes to gain by hanging on to the grudge ask yourself, 'What's my pay off for holding on to a grudge?' Realize that no pattern exists unless it meets a need, albeit an unconscious need.

So, you have to figure that feeling so resentful serves you on some level. Here's one likely pay off: your grudge gives you an excuse to release your anger. You aren't alone. People who have been wounded or victimized in childhood often feel the need to rage at their mates. It's as if they are releasing all the pent up rage toward their parents, and paying them back symbolically, by raging at their mates. The thing that you can't forgive your boyfriend for (not coming around sooner) is surely something that you resented your parents for. You may be using your boyfriend to get even with your parent.

The sad fact is that we never succeed in draining our emotional barrels using this operation. No amount of raging at a boyfriend will ever make up for what you were cheated out of as a kid. Meanwhile, the raging ruins your life and relationship in the present. You will also want to study if there are additional pay offs for hanging on to the grudge. I have to wonder if you are unconsciously using this grudge as a "Secret Warfare" Fight Trap, a distancing tool (ending the relationship because of your grudge--as you are contemplating doing--is the ultimate distancing act). I am quite sure that you are conflicted about becoming too close to a any man. Notice that you chose to dilute your primary relationship by becoming involved with Gary who, himself, was attached to another person. Then you later decided that you wanted Gary exclusively.

But did you really? You finally got him and now all you can think about is leaving him. I have the impression that the struggle to make an unavailable man yours is far more compelling for you than simply enjoying the love that is being offered to you now without a fight or struggle. You need to see how this relates to your history. Again, people who have been deprived in childhood tend to choose lovers who will continue depriving them. Partly because it's familiar and partly to try to resolve the original wound with a parent.

Well, you resolved the struggle with Gary, you got him to be responsive, but, as you can see, your original wound is still not healed. You are still feeling resentful and living in the past. Drowning in past resentments prevents you from enjoying your ride in the present. I have given you a great deal of insight into the root cause of your grudge. Now, it's time to enter therapy and separate past from present. Gary sounds like a peach. If you don't work-through and resolve your childhood baggage, your grudge will devour you and the relationship, preventing you from enjoying the fruit of your love.