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Having a Rough Time

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 05/28/2001 - 8:00pm
in
May 28, 2001

Question

Dear Dr. Love, My girlfriend and I have been together for 5 months already and we have an amazing sex life, or at least we had.

This month we're scared she's pregnant, and we have the scare of our lives. She said that we wouldn't have sex anymore, and that we she go back to being religious.

I'm having a hard time coping, and I'm starting to resent her and the Church. It's not that easy to have a great sex life stopped in one snap. I don't want to tell her about my feelings because she might get mad at me and think all I want and all I think of is sex. I feel like a jerk right now because of this. She says she doesn't regret having sex with me but we just cant do it anymore.

I prefer to be distant because when I kiss her she stops it after a while, and I don't want to hold her anymore because she might think that it will lead to someone else. I'd rather not ask for even a kiss, and just wait for her to ask for one although i resent her in the process. All we do now is smack, hug, and a little french kissing which stops in a few minutes.

I keep on hoping that i can kiss her and that eventually she'll give in, but at the same time, I'm scared that she'll regret we did it and blame me. She's going through a difficult time I know, but so am I.

I want to be understanding and not be a jerk, but I'm really having a rough time. What do I do?


Answer

If you ever hope to get laid again, you are going to need to lay your cards on the table. Start by telling your girlfriend that you are afraid that if you speak your mind that she is going to be angry with you.

Explain that biting your tongue in order to avoid her negative feelings isn't healthy, and that if you continue this way, you will threaten the very core of the relationship. Tell her what you told me about how frustrated and resentful you are over the no sex. Explain that the way she has found to deal with her fear of pregnancy completely wipes you out of the equation.

She said that 'we' will go back to religion, meaning that she has made a decision for you as well as for her. That is a unilateral decision, which is a relationship no-no. She needs an emotional education on the subject of unilateral decisions, and she needs a little help on how to listen and understand your thoughts and feelings.

My book would be a big help to you both. If she wants a relationship with you, she needs to talk about her fears, listen to your thoughts and feelings, and come up with an arrangement that respects both of your feelings, as well as both of your needs. Once you open up the dialogue, you can put all the options on the table, and see which ones speak to your need for sex and her need to be assured that she won't get pregnant.

Mutual masturbation and oral sex works for many couples who don't want to have intercourse. The bottom line is that the lines of communication need to be reopened and stay open until you both come up with a workable plan for both of you.

- Doctor Love

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