He Believes in Keeping Independence

You have posed the question to me as though the problem is a simple difference of opinion regarding how much a person should be self-reliant. The reason why you aren't resolving the issue is because you haven't identified the actual reason for his 'opinion.'

When humans are born, they are totally dependent and helpless. As they grow, they achieve, more or less independence. No matter how grown up we are, there are still parts of ourselves that hold on to childish feelings and wishes. Part of us wants to be helpless, taken care of, dependent and another part is scared to death of these urges, which make us vulnerable to the loss of the person(s) we are dependent on.

Your boyfriend has terrible conflicts in this area. He is afraid of his own dependency needs and kills off all conscious awareness of this part of himself. And for this reason, he avoids, denies, and defends against any weakeness or neediness in himself. This explains why he can't tolerate any neediness on your part: I think it awakens the unwanted and terrifying feelings inside himself. So, he tries to squash this part of your self in order to protect himself from such feelings awakening in him.

You have a big problem here and one that he isn't likely to solve without therapy. My big concern for you is how you can be yourself and continue to express a natural need for connection and support from others as long as you are with him. You have a couple of ways of doing this. You can preface any request for feedback from him with a disclaimer such as, 'I know how you get upset when I ask for you input (or help) weakness. . . so brace yourself. . . '

Another option is to call his problem to his attention by making comments like, 'I know you aren't comfortable with your own weakness and vulnerability. ' By pointing out his problem, you will make him uneasy and hopefully unbalancing him will force him to look at his problem.

If he is too terrified to face his issues, then you are dealing with a very fragile person who may be beyond reach. I hope this isn't the case, for your sake.