He Clams Up When You Bring the Subject Up

This man masturbates a couple of times per week, so there is nothing wrong with his sex drive. The fact is his behavior is withholding and your feelings are right on the money when you say that you feel rejected.

There are two likely causes for his behavior. The first is called passive-aggressive personality disorder. People with this disorder don't communicate their angry feelings directly; instead, they express their anger by withholding what the other person wants. You want sex, he doesn't give it.

The tricky thing with this type of problem is that he may not even be aware that he is harboring anger toward you, let alone that he is sticking it to you by not sticking it to you. Each time he releases his anger through a behavioral enactment (the withholding) he essentially releases the feeling without becoming aware that he was angry. So, when you try to talk about it he will be completely clueless.

The only way to break this pattern is for him to stop acting his feelings out. When sex is no longer his anger release valve, he will be forced to start talking about his anger directly and telling you what you are doing or not doing to infuriate him. The bottom line is his anger can't be resolved until his feelings are owned and put on the table rather than released through his behavior.

The fact that he refuses to go to therapy indicates just how much he doesn't want to own up to his feelings and talk about them. Keep in mind that there is a lot of pleasure attached to staying with the status quo. What's more, he is likely obtaining gratification by releasing his anger in the way he does. Nobody wants to give up gratification. The only way he will give it up is if he is forced to; that means it will need to feel more painful for him to continue what he is doing than to stop it.

The only way he will feel impelled to move forward is when you, yourself, grow to the point that you are ready to put your foot down, come what may. That means that you will have to be decided that you won't tolerate this any longer and that he will either go to therapy with you or you're outta there. Until you are ready to take a stand, he will continue on as he is. He is going to need to be blasted out of his inertia. Think of yourself as a human cannon.

I spoke earlier about a second possible cause of his sexual avoidance, which is fear of intimacy. There are many reasons why someone might fear becoming too intimate with another. He could have been raised by a controlling or intrusive parent. This type of experience causes incomplete self development in which the person is afraid to be swallowed up or taken over. The only way to protect a weak self is to hold oneself apart physically or emotionally.

Other causes of fear of intimacy can include fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, or even having been sexually abused. We need more input from him in order to know if this is the cause of his avoidance of you.

Now that you understand the two likely causes of his behavior, it's time for you to talk to yourself. You aren't going to be effective with him until you have resolved whatever blocks you from taking this matter to the mat. Are you afraid that you will push him out the door? If so, you need to decide how much more you are willing to stand.

If you are willing to keep putting up with this, then don't bother speaking to him. He will sense that you don't mean business, he will clam up and you will go nowhere. If, on the other hand, you have decided that enough is enough and you are willing to risk the relationship, then you will be much freer to deal more firmly with him.

When you are ready to take this to the mat, he will sense that you mean business; then and only then can you really begin to address the problem, understand it's causes, and resolve it.