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He Doesn't Want to Deal with Your Son

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 06/03/2002 - 8:00pm
June 3, 2002

Question

Dr. Love, I have never gotten advice over the computer before, and I am hoping that you can help me.

I was engaged to the father of my 5 month old son in February. In March, the night before our wedding, he called the whole relationship off. The problem is we live together for financial reasons. I still love him very much, and have tried numerous times to get him to come back.

He says if it weren't for my 6 yr. old son who has ADHD, then things would be different, but he cannot remain in the relationship because he does not want to DEAL with him. He says he loves me, but love is not enough to hold us together.

I take my son to group for his problem, and he is on medication. I want to go to couples counseling, but he will not go because he says he does not want to work it out. If we both love each other, and have this baby together, what can I do if anything to help us?


Answer

If you reread your letter, you will see that this man is telling you in many different ways that he isn't willing to invest in the relationship. He won't go to couples therapy because, as he himself said, he isn't willing to work it out.

Your love for this man is making you blind and deaf. There isn't any hope when one of the two partners has given up and isn't willing to work at the relationship. You are incredibly hard working and devoted. If he had your qualities, we wouldn't even be talking. The problem is that your guy isn't capable of tolerating any frustration. When the going gets rough, he gets going. Instead of dealing with your son, he takes a hike on him, and since your son goes with you, he isn't going to stick with you.

This man is emotionally crippled and lacking in the frustration tolerance skills that are needed to keep any relationship alive. I am so sorry for you and can only hope that you soon find a person who is more worthy of you.

- Doctor Love

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