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Is He E-Mailing You Out of Pity Rather Than Interest

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 12/03/2001 - 8:00pm
in
December 3, 2001

Question

Dear Dr. Love, I really need some advice.

I am a teacher and we had a local fireatation/firefighters come to our school to give a demonstration. Once the crew left one of my coworkers emailed the station asking about one of the firefighters single status, that i thought he was good looking, and if he was available. To my coworkers surprise the firefighter she was inquiring about actually wrote back with what seemed like interest.

Long story short, we have now been emailing for 4 weeks at about 2 emails to each other each week. My question is: we write about all the things we have in common, which is a lot. There is a little bit of a age difference- I am 32 and he is 25. I asked him if he would like to meet in person and how he felt about the age difference. He responded by saying that he did not mind the age difference and that all his friends are in their 30's.

At that time he also said that he would like to talk on the phone and meet after the Thanksgiving holiday. It is now December 3 and no phone call and no meeting. Although he has emailed me and we have corresponded about 3 times since he said he would be in touch by telephone. He did mention that he has been realy busy lately in one of his emails.

Do you think someone would keep emailing if they were not interested in someone? Could it be that he is just a nice person and emailing due to the circumstances. I don't know what to think and what to do as far as emailing and communicating anymore? I could use some advice and what you feel this situation could be leading to.

Thank you in advance for any advice.


Answer

You are doing what most women do: assuming that his behavior (not phoning) is your fault, meaning that he doesn't like you. If he didn't like you he wouldn't be writing.

The more likely explanation is that he is frightened or conflicted about connection. He likes you, so he writes but he scared, so he holds back by not calling. You have two choices on how to proceed: you can deal directly with him and tell him that you are receiving mixed signals and want to know what you should think and what you should do regarding communicating.

You can also mimic his mixed feelings and be distant yourself. Answer letters but after a delayed interval. If you don't push for more, he should become more at ease with the fact that you aren't out to devour his soul.

Keep in mind that even if your distant behavior puts him at ease to the point that he calls you, if he is truly afraid of closeness you may end up struggling to connect with him from now to eternity.

- Doctor Love

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