He Has Closed His Heart

Your lover has closed off emotionally so that he can't be hurt again. He won't be able to trust you again until he is sure that you won't behave the way you did ever again. The fact that you behaved in a way that you wish you hadn't, means that you have an impulse problem--meaning that you act before considering the consequences. After you have acted, you wish that you could erase your actions, but it is too late; you can't take back what you did, and you can't eliminate the fallout (his broken trust) that has resulted from your actions.

The only thing that you can do to possibly regain his trust is to tell him that you have discovered that you have an impulse problem and are working to correct it. In order to cure an impulse problem, you need to develop your observing ego. The observing ego is the part of the psyche that can step back and examine your thoughts and feelings before you act. Most people don't realize that every action that we take is precipitated by thoughts and feelings. Most people engage in all kinds of actions without knowing why they do what they do (they are clueless as to what thoughts and feelings cause their actions).

A healthy, emotionally mature person learns to identify his/her thoughts and feelings before going into action. When he/she chooses to act, it is done with conscious awareness and full understanding of the thoughts and feelings that are motivating the behavior. I am sure that this type of forethought sounds very strange to you, but it is a skill that must be developed in order to protect you and your partner from disaster. Soon, with exercise, these psychic muscles will become strong and foolproof, and you will be aware of your thoughts and feelings from minute to minute. When you feel the urge to act on impulse, you will be able to stop, think about what feeling you are trying to discharge in action (action is a great way to blow off emotional steam) and you will do nothing until you have fully analyzed what is going on. From here on in, before you engage in any actions, big or small, you must ask yourself what thoughts and feelings are driving me to say or do what I have the urge to do. Then, you would ask yourself, can I think of any reason why it wouldn't be good for me and/or my partner if I were to act on this urge? Here's an example. Let's say that you have an urge to get in the car and drive to a single's club. Before you go into action, you would ask yourself, what feeling or thought is making me want to go there? You might discover that you are lonely, feeling unloved, or whatever. Then you would ask yourself if behaving this way is good for you; and finally, if you decide that it isn't a good action to take, you will ask yourself what you can do or say to constructively deal with the thought or feeling that is troubling you.

As you can see, using the observing ego to analyze an urge before you act on it, gives you the breathing space you engage in a dangerous act. If you act before thinking, disaster will strike again and again before you even know what hit you. If you can convince your beloved that you are aware that you have an impulse disorder and that you are working on it, he may feel safer to trust you again. Until and unless he is sure that your actions are fully under your conscious command, he will need to hang back in order to protect yourself. That's the best shot I can give you. I hope he comes around.