He Just Doesn't Get it

I don't consider your problem insurmountable. I read your letter to me carefully and it's clear that you don't find your partner sexually unattractive. That's good news since lack of attraction isn't something that can be fixed!

It seems to me that your problem is due to a lack of skills on his part and a difficulty on your part to communicate your needs. Both of these problems can be resolved.

First, let's discuss his lack of skills. This can easily be overcome, especially because you have a partner who wants to learn how to please you. Since he's a willing student, we need to help you become a good teacher.

You say you've tried to talk this through but he doesn't get it. Talking about what turns you on sexually isn't the way to go. He needs to be given a 'hands on' demonstration. You said that you don't know how to teach him. I'm not clear on what is blocking you. Are you shy or embarrassed?

If this is true, let it go. Sex is as natural as eating and breathing. You're supposed to have pleasure in your body and he's supposed to give you pleasure. So let's make sure that you are clear on what you enjoy.

A good way to find out is for you to masturbate and really get to know your body. When you know what you like, you're halfway home already!

Think of your body as his playground. Let him range over you with his hands and mouth. Guide him with words and sounds of encouragement. When he does anything that feels right, tell him in words and sounds that he's hit the jackpot. Good hand and mouth work will certainly guarantee your satisfaction.

Some women also find it helpful to masturbate in front of their partners so that the partner can see what turns them on. Showing him by your own demonstration will help know how to manually stimulate you. But when it comes to oral stimulation (no pun intended!), you will have to guide him by gently directing his head, his mouth, and his tongue.

Think of yourself as a sexual traffic cop and gently guide him exactly where he should go (higher, lower, softer, stronger, directly on your clitoris, or on the sides of it, etc. ) Praise him when he gets it right. This should be handled in a fun and playful way.

Above all, enjoy the process of teaching him and of his getting to know what pleases you. Above all, make sure that he has given you manual and/or oral pleasure before you move on to intercourse.

In this way, you are insured that you will have had some pleasure. Then, you can graduate to guiding him on what feels best to you when he's inside you. Just be patient and relax. You both will be fine.