He Thinks Sex Every Two Weeks is Normal

If you've been reading my column for a while, you have heard me speak about homogamy, or similarity, being directly linked to relationship satisfaction. When it comes to sex--no pun intended--you and your boyfriend's drives are not at all homogamous. He is a sexual camel who can go long periods without it; you, on the other hand, seem to need more frequent contact. Such divergent levels of sexual desire makes you both very incompatible. I have to wonder if there is more to this story than simple differing desire levels. It is common for one partner to have greater sexual desire than the other partner. When two people want to be loving and giving to each other, they find ways of getting around differing desires. For example, the partner with less desire might still make it a point of giving his/her partner pleasure even if he/she doesn't need it; or the partner with less sexual desire would make a point of giving his/her partner more physical contact (hugging, kissing, snuggling) to compensate for the lack of sex. I know you say that this man loves you, but in this arena he isn't behaving lovingly by finding other ways of responding to your physical needs. On the contrary, he is forcing you into a power struggle: he withholds contact; the more you ask for sex, the more he refuses. All this leads me to wonder if this guy is expressing anger by withholding sex. Keep in mind that the anger he harbors may have nothing to do with you. He may be pissed at'women' in general, or mom in particular. It is significant that his last girlfriend became so enraged with him. Yes, she was responsible for how she handled that rage, but he certainly had a hand in pushing her buttons. Rage is a common reaction to feeling emotionally or physically starved and I wonder what he may have done to make her feel starved. If you notice, he is now starving you of what you want most--physical contact--and sooner or later your anger toward him is going to build up. It sounds like he may be setting you up to be yet another raging bitch in his life. I would ask him why he wants you to be mad at him? He will look bewildered and not get what you mean, and then you can press on by telling him that the natural reaction to being starved emotionally or physically is to become angry. Ask him what he gets out of having yet another girlfriend mad at him? He is going to have to dig deep to answer your questions. If he is honest he is going to realize that he, himself, may be furious and he may behave in ways that get his girlfriends pissed at him so he an excuse to get pissed back. He may have a need to play the role of victim to the women in his life. By provoking you, he can then play innocent and say,'look, another woman treated me wrong.' He needs to find out what he gets out being a victim to another woman's anger. You also need to explore whether he plays this game in order to have an excuse to get rid of each woman that he's with. After all, when you start nagging and ragging on him for the lack of sex, he has a good excuse to get rid of you for mistreating him--that a huge anger releaser for a guy who has pent up aggression. He needs to honestly look at his unconscious motivations for setting you up to be furious. If he isn't willing to take responsibility, then, I am afraid, that the writing is on the wall. The problem is going to escalate, and the relationshiop has a good shot at ending badly.