Home › He is turned on by me in bed, but is more attracted to a thinner woman

He is turned on by me in bed, but is more attracted to a thinner woman

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 02/10/2003 - 8:00pm
in
February 10, 2003

Question

Well I have read a lot of your letters and found that they are quite informative. But. . . . I have a problem in which I seems that not many other people are dealing with or are just not willing to talk about.

I met a really great guy on the net. He is going through a divorce and I am going through a broken engagement. Right from the start I was completely honest with him and told him that I had contracted genital herpes from my ex-fiance (he was cheating). He thought I was a great person for sharing such a personal thing with him that I must be a decent person. Well we mailed each other back and forth etc. We finally met, and we had a nice time, clicked and talked, connected very well together. He wanted me to come home with him, but I said no. Well we had a big talk, and he said that he was really attracted to me physically when it comes to being together in bed, but outside he wasn't so sure.

Well to make a long story short, we decided to get to know each other better and maybe his feelings would change. We sleep together but have no sex. Just snuggling, and things are going well, but he is having trouble dealing with the fact that I am a little overweight and having the herpes. He is tall and slender and is in good shape. He is turned on by me in bed, but he is more attracted to a thinner woman.

I said whether I am fat or skinny I am still the same person he is so fond of. We are still having the talk. He is a great guy in so many ways, but am I just fooling myself, and setting myself up for a big fall??? Or should I just quit analysing things and enjoy the time we spend together. We are both looking forward to summer so we can do alot more things together. I need an outside perspective on the whole subject. Thanks for your time. . . . .


Answer

I don't like what I'm hearing at all. This guy scrutinizes you like an art critic. When he's done with his inspection, he is quick to tell you all your various flaws, namely that he's attracted to you in bed, but not outside the bed. Give me a break!

He's attracted enough to have sex with you. The real point here is that this guy doesn't seem capable of love in the true sense of the word. When you love someone, you accept that person, flaws and all. This guy sounds like an intimacy phobic to me and rather than admit his limitations, he projects his problem onto you and says, in essence, I can't decide if I want to be with you, because you aren't good enough!

I think that the larger issue here is you and how you feel about yourself. You spoke in a matter of fact way about catching herpes from an unfaithful partner. What I didn't hear was how contracting herpes has affected your feelings about yourself. If my hunch is right, you aren't feeling very good about yourself. You may even be feeling like damaged goods. If this is true, then it is no surprise that you are with a guy who validates your bad feelings about yourself.

If you felt better about who you are, you would not tolerate his outlining your flaws. If you felt better about yourself, you would read this guy the riot act and tell him that when he is without flaws he can detail your flaws. If you felt better about yourself, you would take charge of your emotional life and put him on trial (instead of you) and tell him that he seems incapable of love and that unless he's able to solve his problem, you are seriously considering finding someone who's more capable of loving you properly.

But, you can't say these things to him until and unless you believe that you are worthy of love, herpes and all full figure and all. So in answer to your question, yes, you are in great danger. I am not saying that you need to break up with the guy today, but I am saying that you need to work on feeling better about yourself. When you feel better, miracles will happen. Without your saying a word, he will get the message that you will no longer tolerate his erosion of your self and he will start to treat you better.

If he doesn't treat you better (because he needs to hold you at a distance by pointing out your flaws) after you've changed, then at least you will feel strong enough to move on.

- Doctor Love

Did you find this article helpful, informative, inspiring?

If so, please help me keep this site alive and growing by spreading the word to others or checking out my books and programs. You can:

  • Share this

Get Your Ex Back With Dr. Love's Relationship Rescue Kit Syncrohearts Board Game