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He Wants to Sleep with Your Sister

Submitted by Anonymous on Tue, 01/07/2003 - 7:00pm
in
January 7, 2003

Question

Dr.Love,

I've been with my partner for 6 years (common-law) and then about 4 months ago he told me he likes my sister. He says it's all mens fantasies to be with two sisters. I don't believe him. To me that's sick.

He says he doesn't want to be with her as a couple but just to check her out in bed. I was so distraught on hearing that. Meanwhile he bad mouths her on her life and everything. I think he is physically attracted to her and wants to be with her.

I found a reminder on his computer about his birthday (I think I wasn't supposed to see it) that said 'Plan my birthday and make sure that J*** is there'. There are a lot of things that I think of now that happened in the past, now that I know this, that my partner has been extra nice to her. I always thougt it was because she was my sister.

I don't know how to feel now. I hate my partner because he is not attracted to ME ONLY. I am so messed up I didn't know who to turn to. PLEASE HELP ME


Answer

What an incredible betrayal! The confusion that you feel is a defense mechanism that your psyche has created to protect you and him from the massive rage that you feel.

I must tell you that it isn't reasonable to expect that he would be only attracted to you. Love doesn't make a man blind! But, you can expect that he keep his feelings of attraction to himself!

You guys need to go into couples therapy now. What he has done is such an act of aggression against you and the relationship. He needs to own the meaning behind this act. This experience may have also shown you something very important about him that you never knew.

Did we learn that he's severely self-absorbed to the point that he doesn't think about other people's feelings. Or is he passive-aggressive who doesn't directly address his angry feelings toward you and then does he stick it to you by some seemingly innocent remark?

In therapy I would ask him how he wanted you to feel when he said what he did. Ask him also what you should think and how you should interpret his comments.

Good luck. I hope he is able to take responsibility for the very damaging thing that he has done.

- Doctor Love

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