He Whispered I Love You and You're Pissed

You asked me to explain what's up with Mikal. First let's understand your feelings. You're aware of being angry that Mikal doesn't have the nerve to say that he loves you loud enough for all to hear. I think that the real feeling that you have--beneath the anger--is hurt. I think you feel hurt because you take his reluctance as a sign that he doesn't love you enough to shout his love for you from the roof top.

Your own bruised feelings are preventing you from being able to step back and understand why Mikal is reluctant. If you could take your ego out of the equation, I think you would be surprised at what you would discover about him--as well as most young men. For a young man, being cool in the eyes of his peer group is key. If he looks like a fool or a sissy, as you, yourself, said, his sense of self suffers because fitting in is vital to a young person's sense of self. Therefore, he is in a bind or conflict between. wanting to maintain his rep. and wanting to please you.

What concerns me most about your letter is the way you handled your feelings. You behaved in a manipulative way, pretending not to hear, in order to 'trick' him into speaking up and giving you the public display that you wanted. Manipulative actions are going to backfire on you, since the person on the receiving end is going to feel pissed at you for tricking him. In the future, when you are upset, don't play games or manipulate; simply use my X, Y Formula to communicate what's bothering you.

This formula is simple. You say, I felt X (X is whatever you feel), when you said or did Y (Y is the description of the other person's words or actions). If you are dealing with a defensive type, you can lead with a Disclaimer that lets his ego off the hook so that he can devote himself to understanding your feelings rather than spend all his energy shoring up his wounded self.

For example, I'm sure you didn't mean to offend me. . . but when you said X, I felt Y. For really sensitive types, try to reword the X, Y Formula so that you don't even say the word 'you, ' which, to a fragile person, can feel like an ego assault. This would sound like, I felt X, when Y was said or done to me (not when YOU said or did...) For more information on how to properly handle your feelings, read my book, Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First). The book will show you how to talk in a constructive way even when you're hurt or mad. It will also teach you how to draw out Mikal's feelings so that he will tell you exactly how he feels. Hearing it straight from the horse's mouth is far better than asking me to guess what's up with him!

So learn to communicate directly and constructively with him and your relationship will go much more smoothly.