Home › Headed for a Major Blowout

Headed for a Major Blowout

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 04/21/2003 - 8:00pm
in
April 21, 2003

Question

I have been dating my boyfriend 'Ryan' for a little over a year now. We've been living together for about 6 months, and on the whole, things are good. He's a great guy, and we get along well, but there is one thing we disagree on, that I just can't figure out how to handle.

Ryan is a pretty needy guy, almost to the point of being clingy. I, on the other hand, am more private and independent. I NEED to have my time alone! However, we are currently both working 2 jobs to save money and pay off debt, and most of the time we spend together at home is consumed by cleaning, paying bills, and sleeping, which leaves us with very little free time. He feels that this small amount of time should be spent together, and gets very offended when I want to spend a day by myself or a night out with friends.

He says he feels cheated, that we have no 'quality time together ', and that it hurts him that I'd rather be alone than with him. I've tried my best to indulge him - nights out are kept to the bare minimum, but the lack of alone time is killing me, and I can feel a certain amount of resentment building up inside.

How can I make him understand that I love him, and I DO want to spend time with him, but that I need my space and time for my own mental health? I need to figure something out quickly or I fear we're headed for a major blowout. . .


Answer

You are caught in a molar conflict, which is a fancy way of saying that you both have different intimacy requirements. It is rare for two people to have the exact same need for space versus closeness. Obviously, the more your needs match those of your partner, the less conflict there will be.

Unfortunately, you and your guy are quite different in terms of your need for time together and time apart. What's more, your guy is misinterpreting your need for space as a sign that you don't love him. He feels hurt and then becomes more demanding and clingy, which I am sure makes you want to run away from him even more.

Start by explaining to him that your need for time apart has nothing to do with him or how you feel about him. You would have this need no matter who you were with. Tell him that he needs to work on not interpreting your own need as a rejection of him. If he can't get this point, then go together to couples therapy. A skilled therapist should be able to help him realize the origin of his clinginess.

Surely he was emotionally or physically neglected or abandoned as a kid, which has left him wounded and bracing for another abandonment. Let me know how you make out.

- Doctor Love

Did you find this article helpful, informative, inspiring?

If so, please help me keep this site alive and growing by spreading the word to others or checking out my books and programs. You can:

  • Share this

Get Your Ex Back With Dr. Love's Relationship Rescue Kit Syncrohearts Board Game