Help Me to Not Drive Him Away

I commend you for asking me this question. It took a lot of personal strength to admit that you have a problem and to get help for it. The problem that you are experiencing is called an impulse disorder, and don't think that you are the only one to suffer from this problem.

Improper handling of anger erodes millions of marriages and relationships, which is why I wrote Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First). Obviously, I can't condense an entire book into one short answer, so, do read the book in order to fully understand how to get a handle on your anger and stop your chronic fighting.You would also benefit by reading my four part series on this subject, which is in the permanent archives at iVillage's website.

In the meanwhile, until you have digested the book and read my articles at iVillage, here's a first aid measure that you need to implement right away: You must learn to recognize the signs that you are about to lose it, before you lose it. When you have this skill down, you can walk away, breathe deeply, and/or do whatever else you have to do to calm down before you speak.

So, sit down right now, close your eyes, breathe deeply, and think about one of your recent fights. Imagine what he said to upset you, and then try to recall how your body was feeling. As soon as you start to become enraged, long before you open your mouth, you are xperiencing physical warning signs that you haven't learned to identify. You may start breathing rapidly, you may feel hot, you may start to sweat, you may feel a tightness in your chest or stomach. Identify what you feel when you are enraged and make a mental note. The next time you feel this same physical sensation, you need to stop dead in your tracks and say to yourself, 'If I don't walk away now, I will say or do something that I will regret.'

When you walk away, you will have the time to gather yourself and prepare how you will communicate what is bothering you. My book will show you how to do this, what words to use, and so on. The key is you must make the decision to not 'gratify' yourself by getting your rocks off on him ever again. Yes, it does feel good to dump on someone but you and the relationship pay a terrible price for this fleeting release. So vow to never allow yourself this temporary relief ever again.

Once you have made the resolution to change, you will find it easy to learn and put into practice the 'right' way of communicating your anger. Meanwhile, I'd like your guy to read the book with you. I am sure that he isn't innocent in this equation. There are many ways that one partner can push the other partner's buttons and come up smelling like a rose. If you are blowing a gasket, he must be doing things to provoke you. He needs to look at whether he is using what I call Secret Warfare Fight Traps such as 'forgetting' promises, not keeping his word, withholding what you want, are just a few of the many indirect ways in which he may be releasing his aggression, leaving you to fume and rage, while he looks innocent. Let me know how you both do.