He's Not Satisfied with one Woman

I was heartbroken in reading your letter. I am so sad because you are blaming yourself for his sleeping with other women. What's sadder still is that you believe that his behavior is your fault and that if only you were a better lover that he wouldn't stray.

Please hear what I'm about to tell you. His cheating ways have nothing to do with you! You said yourself that he's happy with you and loves you. So he isn't cheating because you aren't satisfying him. He's cheating because he wants to please himself and satisfy his wish for variety.

If you don't want him to cheat on you, you are going to have to make an extreme shift in the way you feel and the way you think. I'm not sure you're going to be able to accomplish this.

I know you say you don't want to lose this man. The problem is that he knows that you don't want to give him up and because of this he feels very secure in your dependency on him. He feels that he can get away with doing whatever he wants and you will put up with it. You've already told me that you don't put your foot down and speak up to him (I assume because you think that you'll lose him if you do). Your passivity tells this man that he can get away with murder and that you will always roll over for him.

Do you see where I'm going with this? If you want this man to stop sleeping with other women, he needs to feel that you are ready and willing to give him up if he doesn't behave. He needs to feel that he needs you more than you need him. He needs to know that you respect yourself enough to set limits on his behavior and follow through if he doesn't comply. The limit consists of telling him that if he doesn't stop screwing around that he's going to be put out on the curb.

When you respect yourself in this way, he will respect you, take you seriously, and stop cheating on you.

But, you won't be able to pull this off with him unless you mean what you say and you're willing to walk away from him if he doesn't' shape up and keep his you know what in his pants.

The solution that I'm talking about involves a major character transformation on your part. This kind of change doesn't come easily and it takes time.

I suggest you join a therapy group in your area. Group is a marvelous therapeutic tool because your problem will come alive in the group. You will be quiet and silent when someone says something that you don't like and you will learn how to speak up for yourself. As you practice asserting yourself in the group, you will be developing the skills you need to teach your bad boy to behave.

Let me know how you do. I really want to hear.