Hoping He'll Leave His Wife

For the past several weeks I have read columns on Casual Sex and how to do this without commitment and/or love. I know Adultery is a sin but I am involved with a married man.

I am divorced and alone with 4 grown daughters. We are around the same age, 47 & 49. He doesn't have any children involved in his life. He once was involved with a married woman for 3 years and knows the very same feelings I have for him and yet know there cannot be any commitments or love involved and yet I am falling and falling in love fast as each day goes by.

If he knows the agony first hand for 3 years and have it end so heartless then he knows the promise of commitment I desire. I blurt out I love you's, he can't return it except with he has feelings for me and he deeply cares. He calls me all the time. We work together in fact he is my mgr. I can't call it off. What little I am getting is better than nothing at all. I have no other interest in other men. He is everything I have always wanted. His marriage he says is good but he likes the extra I give him. He has always said he never wants to hurt me and seems to want to call it off at the first sight of me going Fatal Attraction of him.

My question is how and why am I torn in 2 different directions? I know this is wrong but it feels so right.

The first direction is this is better than not seeing him at all ever. The 2nd is each and every day I hope and pray he wants me more and will leave her. He feels he doesn't want to start over and go through all that. So, am I answering my own question by saying I have a deep fear that he could walk from this and be ok and I would be fatal over it ending? And yet I go up and down each moment, thinking I am ok with this, no I am not, I want more, no this is good for now, and on and on. He checks on me regularly to see if I am ok emotionally and I can hear his words and feel that he is checking on me at the same time. I even went as far as to tell him I would never see anyone else and he says he has no rights to ask or expect that from me but I made him tell me his honest thought and it would shake him if I were with someone else intimately. Which by the way makes me feel good inside.

Am I pathetic or what? My ex and I were together for 35 yrs, 28 married and he left me for an older woman. I watched him leave every night for 9 months to see her until I was able to leave myself and be on my own. I have been alone almost 2 years and have dated several men. I have a good male friend that tells me to find my own man instead of someone else's. I can't. Second marriages seem to work out from the mistakes we make during our 1st. It was done to me is that why I don't care if I do it to another woman?

He cheated on her, yes, he may very well cheat on me, but the first months of our relationship he would almost vomit because of the guilt. I told him, let's quit or it becomes easier. He chose the latter and is better. He refers to his wife thinking of him as an old hat. Meaning the relationship is good but old and I am exciting and I am different than her. My qualities if I may tell you are I am blond, multiple orgasms, give oral sex which she refuses, fun and daring, exciting, beautiful eyes and he has feelings for me. No commitment, says never and I say never say never, but he does. He says I couldn't possibly love him at this time since we started last October 2003.

Each day I love him more and yet more confused. There are many sides to a relationship not just the married man and woman, there's the 3rd party and I am hurting too. Please do not use my name or this story anywhere that someone might recognize the situation. Thank you for any advise although you will probably say I already know it. Quit now, will get worse later. I know things could get worse, like us losing our jobs! Or her finding out. Which sometimes, I wish. Thanks again.