Hoping it's Not Too Late

Dr. Love, It's unusual for me to seek out advice using this medium. . . but my friends and family must be sick of my current obsession. . . including my own therapist mother! Well. . . here goes. . .

I grew up in an environment deprived of real intimacy. . . little expression of love, caring, or selflessness. . . my role was to provide these things to my family. . . but it was hard when nobody really showed me how. . . regardless of this, I managed to keep on hoping for more. . . thanks a great deal to my paternal grandmother who was most intimate in her relationship with me. . .

Now. . . that was a bit of the background. . . here's my current dilemma. . . and although I probably know the correct advice intellectually. . . my heart is another story! I have dated the most wonderful, caring, and gentle man for almost 3 years. . . we lived together for almost 2 years. . even though I only wanted to live with the man I believed I would marry. My fear of intimacy reared its ugly head during the relationship, and even though I had grown to become more intimate in this relationship. . . I was still scared. . . So scared that I finally hurt him too deeply. . . you know the old fear resulting in anger. . .

He broke up with me 2 months ago at his best friend's engagement party. . . I think it was hard for him to finally do. . . but he had been contemplating it since my first outburst of fear. . . approximately 3 months into the relationship. We have been living together and I am moving out in only 2 days. . . although we have spoken and I have communicated my whole self (or what I know right now). . he still insists that we separate. . . He says little about the future. . except for asking that we attempt friendship once we are seperated. . . but why the separation?

This is so hard. . .The time when I am most scared to trust. . . but if I don't I could lose him forever. . . He has taught me so much about love and myself. . . and at the age of 25. . . I'm ready to say that I am traditional and don't want to date many more men. . . I've had 3 previous boyfriends. . . but I've never been this close. . . You're going to tell me that I need to do this for myself. . . but my real question is a practical one. . .

HOW DO I GROW AND KEEP HIM AT THE SAME TIME? I've clearly lost him for now. . . guess he's got his own stuff he needs to work out. . . smart guy! I'm desperate for reassurance that it will all be okay. . . we spoke of marriage. . . he said my anger was the only question mark blocking his 100% for me. . . I know he's right. . . I'm so close. . . what should I do? THANK YOU!!! HOPING IT'S NOT TOO LATE!!