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Hoping for a Miracle

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 11/03/2003 - 7:00pm
in
November 3, 2003

Question

Dearest Dr. Love,

Allow me to let you know how truly wonderful I think you are for caring and for helping those who hopelessly need some sound advice. Your compassion and kindness shine right through the answers you give us. Thank you. . .

I hope you won't be too disturbed by my e-mail and I hope that you will choose to help me, I feel so hopeless. . . I am a 23-year-old young lady who grew up in a very violent home. My very old-fashioned father was emotionally and physically abusive with my mother and with us kids. 'Hell' is the perfect word to describe my childhood.

I left the house about a year ago to go live on my own and study in a University that's 2 hours away from where my parents live. It's a miracle that my dad even let me go.

I told myself that I will never let him hurt me like he used to do when I was a sweet little girl, but of course, it's easier said than done. He does respect me more than he does my mother and my brother and sisters. They are so unhappy and so depressed but they don't have the strength and the courage to do anything about it. They're scared of my dad.

My mother is a devout and scared Christian who does not believe in divorce. I often feel that my mother, brother and sisters blame me for leaving them and for trying to do something with my life.

They don't understand that it's a big responsability to pay bills and rent and make sure I have enough money to eat and pay for tuition. And they don't see that I have insomnia, and a stomach ulcer and depression because I worry to death about their safety and their happiness. I love them all so much and I understand that they need a Savior to rescue them and make everything alright, but unfortunately I don't have the strength to do it anymore.

I feel so drained. . . I don't even know what's keeping me for taking away my on life, maybe it's my guardian angel. I hate my father for screwing me up so much and for hurting me so bad. I can never forget the torture and injustices I went through, and as I get older and discover more about myself, I realize just how badly he damaged me. . .

My self-esteem is dead, I am so very harsh and hard with myself, I have a binge-eating disorder. . . There is only one thing that somewhat brings me temporary happiness, and that is the much older married man that I see only once a week for a couple of hours. He is gentle with me and he seems to care about me, but I don't tell him about my hurts and pains because I know he has enough to worry about in his own life.

He accepts me physically the way I am, with the extra pounds and all. It hurts terribly to only be able to spend such a short time with him and to talk for a few minutes on the phone twice a week and it hurts even more to know that he still makes love to his wife (he still loves her apparently, and he says she is the nicest woman he knows).

I feel terribly guilty for being with a married man, and I am so scared that someone finds out about us. My dad would literally kill me if ever he found out, because to him a girl must remain a virgin until she gets married.

Life is not easy, . . . I don't see the point of living anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. . . I take Paxil 30mg/day, but I still have suicidal thoughts and I cry often.

I need a miracle, I want all this pain to end for my mother, my sisters, my brother and I. Please, Dr. Love, if there is anything you suggest I do, please let me know. Should I leave the man I'm with? Should I keep visiting my family every second week-end or should I isolate myself from everyone?. . .

Thank you kindly for your precious time.

Hoping for a miracle. . .


Answer

I was so moved by your letter that I wish I could jump through the computer screen and be with you right now. I can't believe the strength that you had to leave home and save yourself. This was the best thing that you could have ever done for yourself. You aren't supposed to go down with the ship and if the rest of your family doesn't have the strength to bail out, then I'm sorry for them.

You just keep doing what you're doing. If it feels good to you to visit them, then do. If if torments you, then don't. If you are visiting out of guilt, then think twice. No action should be taken out of guilt.

Remember, you must stay in your comfort zone at all times. Only do what feels good and right. This is a hard plan for you to follow since your experiences in your first family went against the instinct of self-preservation.

Taking care of yourself will help you to feel less tortured, but this isn't all that is needed. I know that you are suffering terribly. You are riddled with all kinds of awful symptoms (ulcers, low self-esteem, self attack, insomnia, guilt, depression, and suicidal thoughts) and all these symptoms are caused by one thing: a massive amount of buried anger.

In order to make your physical and emotional pain stop, you are going to need to talk about your rage in a therapeutic setting. Since you and I are already connected, I think that it would be good for us to work together. I will soon be introducing online therapy, both individual and group and I hope that we can work together in this way.

As for feeling guilty about being with a married man, try to understand why you are drawn to this older man--he's the father that you never had. He's kind and gentle and just what you need. I hope that you also see that you are punishing yourself by choosing a man who isn't available.

I know that you don't feel deserving of love--how could you coming from the family you came from--so it stands to reason that you would only allow yourself a few crumbs from a man who can't be yours. You deserve a man who is all your own and who loves you completely.

You may be wondering why you are with a man who can't give you all that you deserve. Once again, we come back to your anger. You see, when a person has so much stored up anger, she feels guilty for it and unconsciously arranges to punish herself. One way to punish yourself is to be with a married guy who can't give you what you deserve. Being with him also gives you an excuse to beat up on yourself with guilt; plus it keeps you starved, which is another form of self-punishment.

It would be good for you to know that suffering the way you do is also an unconscious way of venting your anger toward your parents. The suffering person says without realizing it, 'You bastards, look how you've ruined my life.' In other words, suffering indirectly releases a lot of anger. The only problem is that you sacrifice yourself in the process.

The only way out of all this misery is for you to start therapy and to talk about all the buried rage. I know you are aware of being angry at your dad, but, believe me, this is the tip of the iceburg. There is so much more where that came from.

So contact me again when my online therapy is up and running. Meanwhile, you could consider joining a group therapy in your area. Keep in touch and take care.

- Doctor Love

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