How to Become Less Sensitive

You told me that because you know that your boyfriend doesn't mean to hurt you, you want to become less sensitive to his contradictory manner and defensive tone of voice. If someone accidentally shoots you with bullets, do the bullets hurt you less because they were shot in error?

The point of my rhetorical question is that you can't deny your reaction to his intimidating behavior. Rather than deny your feelings, use them in service of yourself and of the relationship. That is, don't act on your feelings of intimidation (by silencing yourself); instead, call him on his misbehavior right in the moment.

When he is contradictory and defensive, describe what he is doing and tell him the effect his behavior has on you (that you feel the urge to shut up). Then ask him if he wants to shut you up. Your boyfriend needs to be made aware of his behavior right when he's behaving inappropriately.

He knows in theory that he's out of line (other women have told him so) but he isn't aware of precisely what he's saying and doing that lands wrong. The way to help him to change is to make him aware of his behavior right as he's misbehaving.

I would also tell him that thinking that 'it' (meaning his behavior) would get better sounds like he believes in magic. Behavior doesn't change by itself. He has to choose to change. He has to become a willing and active participant in the process of self change. He has to welcome your input each and every time that he acts out. Then he needs to work on finding a more appropriate way of communicating his feelings.

The problem with your boyfriend is that he acts out his feelings by behaving defensively and intimidating you. He needs to stop acting out and start verbalizing his feelings. Both of you can work together to help him achieve this goal.

What he needs to do is: Realize that the behavior he's engaged in is the end result of a long chain of events that include all kinds of thoughts and feelings. He's jumping over the thoughts and feelings and going straight into defensive and intimidating actions. The actions aren't productive for him or for the relationship. The actions don't communicate what he's really thinking and feeling. Plus, the actions lead to fallout (he drives women away from him).

The next time he has the urge to intimidate and defend, he needs to say and do nothing until he figures out what feelings he has. When he knows what he feels, he is to use my X, Y Formula to describe what was said or done and how he feels about it. No more acting out.

What you can do to help him stop acting out: The next time he acts defensively or starts to intimidate you, stop him dead in his tracks and ask him to describe his feelings. You might say to him, 'Do you know what you are feeling right now?' Or you might say, 'You are acting defensive and I wonder what I said or did to get your back up.'

The key is he needs to learn to put his thoughts and feelings into words and stop acting them out in relationship destructive ways. Helping him to talk to you will be beneficial for everyone. He will grow, your relationship will thrive and you, above all, will be facing a difficult situation head on rather than running away.

Your courage to face him and not run is a win win situation. Your bravery will help you to grow in so many ways and as you grow, so will he.