How Do I Show Him That Our Relationship is Worth Rekindling?

I totally understand your predicament. The only way that you can hope to rekindle the relationship is by opening your heart and telling him everything that you told me. In addition to what you said in your letter, you are going to need to address a few more points. You are going to need to reassure him that you fully understand and are working on resolving the mechanism that led you to withdraw from him sexually. You said to me that you withdrew from him sexually and that you stopped making sexual advances because you were afraid that he would only want you for sex.

In a nutshell, you were in the grips of an unconscious defense mechanism. The purpose of a defense mechanism is to protect the self from danger. For example, if a woman is afraid of being rejected, she might withdraw (that 's the defense) from contact in order to protect or defend herself from the pain of the rejection that she fears will occur. Her withdrawal, paradoxically, makes her boyfriend think that she doesn't care and he rejects her. As this hypothetical scenario shows, the defense mechanism that she employed actually made her worst fear come true: she was rejected in the end.

You need to become expert at understanding the defense mechanism(s) you use. You need to identify each one and then figure out what feeling or outcome you are trying to protect yourself from; next, you need to develop the skill of watching yourself (using what's called the observing ego) so that you can catch yourself before you employ your habitual defenses. This is your only hope of saving this relationship (if you get back together) and of saving yourself from one failed relationship after another (in the event that you don't get back together). When talking to your ex. , he needs to see that you are on top of the problem, that you are aware of your defenses, and that you are working on dissolving them using the observing ego process.

In order to feel safe to try again with you, he needs to know that you are working to resolve the problem. Next, we need to clue him in on a thing or two regarding himself. He needs to see that he employs a defense mechanism that is going to ruin every relationship he is in. What is his defense? He backs away or avoids a direct discussion of what is bothering him. He didn't tell you what was wrong; he let his feelings fester until it was too late. He needs to figure out what his defense is protecting him from? Does he avoid telling what's bothering him in order to avoid a confrontation? He needs to see that his avoidance brings about even more than the confrontation that he's trying to avoid--it brings about the end of the affair. Now he's starting over with someone new.

Make no mistake. He will find himself in the same mess with her as he did with you. No partner is perfect, and she will surely disappoint him in various ways. He won't speak, will harbor resentment, that resentment will fester and build, and one day he will walk out on her. The point being, if he loves you as much as you love him, he might as well work this pattern out with you rather than transport his problem to the next relationship. My argument is most compelling.

Now we need to hope that he didn't allow his resentment toward you to erode his love for you. If the love is gone, we won't be able to bring him back to you. If, however, his love for you is as strong as yours is, we have a good chance of bringing him back using the above approach. Please let me know what happens. I am rooting for you both.