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How to Fix this Mess

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August 4, 2003

Question

I am 21 and have known this guy since I was in 7th grade. About 4 years ago we hung out almost everyday and he just treats me exceptionally well. I moved away and over the past 3 years he has sent me around 30 letters and I visit often.

I have been in love with him for so long but never told him because it would be selfish of me to impose my feelings on him since I am so far away. Lately his letters have been more intimate asking if we are wasting valuble time and he has started closing with love instead of your friend.

I am leaving on aug 12 to visit again and I talked to him on the phone after I sent a letter and on the phone he explained that he should of never written it and it broke my heart. I don't expect things long distance to work out but I know he cares for me and after my last letter I haven't heard from him.

Now I am feeling very vulnerable and uncomfortable that I may have scared him away. Now how do I fix this mess and make seeing him as uncomfortable as possible??

Please help I can't seem to get any advice on this!! Thanks so much Dr. Love, you could be the only person who can help!!


Answer

You say that you haven't heard from him since your last letter, but it seems that he began getting cold feet after his last letter to you in which he closed by saying that he loved you. Then on the phone he said that he never should have written that letter.

He is conflicted and we don't know why. Is he afraid of intimacy and can he only allow himself to love a girl who lives far away and who he knows he can't have? Or is he afraid to allow himself to love a girl who lives so far away (a frustrating and painful prospect), hence his change of heart?

The only way to make sense of his shifting attitude is to outline the chain of events (his letter saying love, followed by the phone call in which he retracted his words) and to ask him to help you understand what caused the shift. You could even offer my second theory, that he's pulled back to protect himself from the frustration of loving a girl who is too far away to have.

If he confirms that it is the distance that is a problem, then the two of you can talk about your options. You are 21 now and nothing says that you can't move closer to him or vice versa. At this point, he needs to open his heart and tell you what is going on inside himself.

When you have all the information in hand, then you will be in a better position to know how to proceed. Let me know what transpires.

- Doctor Love

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