How to Say What You Dislike About Someone?

First of all, you don't want to say what you dislike about someone. That comes too close to character assassination. It is, however, fine to talk about someone's behavior especially if it is unacceptable to you. Do you see the difference?

Saying what you don't like about someone is to attack the person's character or personal qualities. (You're lazy, slow, dumb, etc. ). This isn't all right. What you want to do is to focus on the person's actions or behavior not on the person's identity or character. It is also best to speak in positive terms, stating what you would like or would prefer rather than to criticize your partner for what he/she isn't doing right.

For example, if your partner comes home later than promised and doesn't call to say he/she is going to be late, a character assault would sound like: You're nothing but an inconsiderate pig. Not good! Almost as bad would be to come at your partner from a negative position and tell him what's wrong with his behavior. This would sound like, 'I hate it when you come late and don't call.'

Ideally you should word your communication so that you would say how you would prefer him to behave. For example, 'It would help me to not worry about you (or, I would feel so cared for) if you would call me when you're going to be late.' I hope you can see the difference. The point to remember is that people want to be responsive to you when you state what you want in positive terms. Then if you praise them when they do actually respond to your request, you're going to hit a home run.

Nobody wants to give to someone who is negative, complaining, or critical. If you want to learn how to properly communicate negative feelings, read my book, Till Death Do Us Part, (Unless I Kill You First): A Step-by-Step Guide for Resolving Relationship Conflict.

Obviously, I can't condense the entire book into this column! If you really want to become expert at stating your needs in a way that 's going to encourage your partner to be responsive, the book is your complete answer.