March 9, 2010
Question
Dr Love,
I strongly believe you will be the solution to my problem. I have been dating Vera for 5 months now and all of a sudden we have a serious problem. She was formerly married but her husband is deceased. After her husband's death she started flirting with me until I asked her out. Her past life was narrated to me by her best friend. At the same time, this same best friend went behind Vera's back and told her elder sister that Vera is going out with a useless boy who is not doing anything and only sits at home. Vera, her friend and I held a meeting to sort out things and since that meeting she has been behaving strange. She avoids me. All she tells me now is that we should end the relationship. Can things ever work out for Vera and me. I really love her and my question is should I continue?
I am so sorry to hear what you've been through. What a violation! This best friend truly sabotaged your relationship.
You have asked me to tell you whether you should continue with Vera. I cannot tell you what to do. That's not my role. But what I can do is help you clarify what you want for yourself and then help you try to achieve that goal.
First let me say that you sound very conflicted. The reason you want me to tell you what to do is because you yearn to be released from this conflict. To resolve the conflict, let's clarify both sides of yourself. What part of you wants to stay with her? What part wants to high tail it out of the relationship?
The part of you that wants to leave is the part that feels hurt and betrayed by her.
The part of you that wants to stay is the part that still loves her. Let's work with this part of you first.
Talk to her and tell her how you feel. Tell her that you feel hurt that she believed her best friend over you. I would want to know why she doesn't ask you about your work ethic and whether it's true that you are lazy and good for nothing.
I would ask you also to talk about how she feels. I suspect that she is scared to death of loving and losing again. It may very well feel safer for her to grab onto an excuse and run rather than face her fear. I would ask her about this.
If she opens her heart, then your decision will be made. If she remains closed and guarded, then she will have made your decision for you. In which case, you will have no choice but to move on.
Please let me know what happens.
- Doctor Love
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