I Have a Right to a Sex Life in My Own Home

What a miserable situation you're in. I think that you have accurately assessed the cause of your daughter's behavior--she blames you for her father's death. The problem is that she isn't speaking about her feelings with you, she's acting them out in the most monstrous way.

The reason that she refuses to speak to you about her feelings is because she is getting far too much gratification out of torturing you. To talk to you would mean that she would resolve her feelings, and this would deprive her of the pleasure she's obtaining by continuing to abuse you.

The only way to break this abuse cycle is:1) to remove the pleasure that she obtains by torturing you;  and 2) to remove any rewards she gets out of continuing her current beahvior. Let me break this down. The reward that she gets out of torturing you occurs each time that she sees that her behavior is upsetting you. Getting a rise out of you encourages her to continue doing what she's doing. This means that you are going to have to do whatever internal work is necessary so that she can no longer get to you.

Decide that you will not give her the satisfaction of getting to you any more. Refusing to let her get under your skin is a creative use of your aggression. It will drive her crazy and this will be the opposite of a rewarding experience. She may become temporarily more furious, but you will prevail in the end by removing her gratification.

At the same time, you must stop rewarding her bad behavior. Keep in mind that paying attention to her and responding to her mistreatment are ways to reward or reinforce her behavior. Remember, any attention that you give her, positive or negative, is seen by her psyche as a reward.

She needs to get a simple message. The minute she says something foul, you must calmly let her know that her behavior is out of line and that you are very disappointed in her. All kids want their parents' approval and knowing that she doesn't have yours will bother the hell out of her (even if she doesn't show it). To convey this message you could say, "I'm very disappointed in your behavior and want you to know that you aren't allowed to speak to me that way.When you are ready to speak properly and tell me what I did and how you feel about it, I will listen."

Then walk away and ignore her.

Each time she dumps on you, she needs to get the same message. It's ice in winter for her until she behaves properly. She is ignored and given no attention, no treats, no rides, no favors, no nothing until she treats you right. A relationship is a two-way street and she's going to realize that if she wants one with you she's got to earn it.   Follow my plan and she's going to straighten out.

As for sending your kids away. First let's give this plan a chance to operate before you make such a drastic decision. If all else fails, you can use the threat of sending her away as a way of telling her that you mean business and that you won't tolerate her garbage any longer.

A last point to consider. You may be feeling guilty over your husband's suicide. If this is so, your daughter may be reading your unconscious and giving you the thrashing that your psyche thinks it deserves. When you let yourself off the hook, she will sense the shift in you and this should stop her abuse (if she is actually playing on your own guilt).

I am reminded of a patient of mine who attempted to abort her daughter and felt guilty about it. For many years her daughter abused her. When we discovered that my patient  was allowing her daughter to punish her because of her own unresolved guilt, the entire relationship shifted. My patient sent out different "vibes" and limits and the daughter soon stopped abusing her.

If all else fails and you feel that you need a break from your daughter, I don't see why you would throw the baby out with the bathwater. Why banish your son, since he isn't mistreating you?